#mirrored the relationship and abuse I received from my mom

[gays4vulo]

Making food bc I’m hungry after work but also I’m finishing my tea & now I just want to kind of go to bed bc I’m showered and comfy & it’s like damn. Can’t win ever

[luvyeni]

LUCIFER ✦ ( 02z series masterslist & intro )

pairing ‎⸝⸝⸝ demon!02z x female!reader

𓄷 warnings 𓈓 murder (sunghoon has a back story and your grandma had some problems). death. supernatural themes. pwp. some angst. some fluff. will add more if needed...

genre. smut mdni. supernatural au. demon au.

nia's notes. a few weeks ago i got an ask to do a fic based on lucifer— so why not make it a series? the song gives me demon vibes idk why, but i hope everyone who reads it will like it,, all the fics will have bits and pieces from each other, but you can read stand alone if you want. ENJOY!!!

(🎧) ...playlist: lucifer ( 02z ), fatal trouble ( enhypen ), bite me ( enhypen )

TAGLIST. ASK TO BE ADDED !

THE DEMON IN MY CLOSET ...

wc. 6.1k+

synopsis. a week into moving into your deceased grandmother's mansion; everything goes smoothly; you've gotten most of your grandmothers things out of the house; still wearing the necklace you found everything is going good— except the door to your closet that won't stay closed.

𓄷 warnings smut mdni. mentions of abuse. mentions of death. oral (f. receiving). unprotected sex. softdom jake.

STATUS: READ HERE

THE DEMON IN THE KITCHEN ...

wc. 5.2k+

synopsis. sunghoon didn't want anything to do with you really; the only reason why he agreed is because jay had the upper hand on his vote. he hated your grandmother, he wished he could avoid you forever— so why is he currently sitting in your kitchen wondering why you've come home late?

𓄷 warnings... smut mdni. mentions of murder. sunghoon actually hates you. attempted murder ( twice ). reader likes some weird stuff. sexual tension. oral ( m. receiving ). rough sex. degradation.

STATUS: READ HERE

THE DEMON IN MY MIRROR ...

wc. 4.7k+

synopsis. he watches you through the mirrors of the house; watches how you interact with the boys, even sunghoon. he's enchanted by you; you're meant to be his; theirs, he can feel it— knowing that your time is almost up here, it's time he finally introduces himself.

𓄷 warnings jay is half human. mentions of a curse. jay is guiding her in her head. exhibition kink? mutual masturbation. oral ( m. reciveing ). unprotected sex.

STATUS: READ HERE

FOREVER OURS ...

wc.

synopsis. it's your last week here; you have a decision to make; will you put the necklace away leaving them behind— or will you start your new life in the city; not with your parents but with three new demons???

𓄷 warnings foursome, oral ( m & f receiving ), unprotected sex, breeding kink, rough sex , double penetration, lots of cum, heavy degradation

STATUS: READ HERE

you were freshly graduated from college; you should be spending your last summer as a non working adult having fun with your friends— hell doing an internship for your future company; anything really, anything would be better than this. because instead of doing any of that; you were stuck going to the middle of wherever emptying out your dead grandparents mansion.

“I didn't know the lady.” you tried to complain about it to your parents. “Mommy, this was your parents, why can't you do it?” your mother and her mother; your grandmother, never really got along growing up; your grandmother never approved of your father, so it put a strain on their relationship, which resulted in your mother moving out and moving to the city. She then married your dad and had you a year later.

you met your grandmother; well your grandmother met you, because your eyes were barely open, having been on earth a month when your mom came back home so your grandparents could meet their only grandchild, your mom told you that was the last time you saw your grandparents— they did send christmas presents, and birthday cards with a hefty check in it. “I didn't know anything about her except she was extremely generous when it came to money.”

your grandfather passed when you were five, that was the last time your mother went back, for his funeral. Instead of going into a home, your grandmother chose to stay in the huge home; by herself and live out the rest of her days, which she did; she died in her room, being found by her caretaker in the early morning.

The funeral was small; and you were being nice by saying that— it was only you and your mother; your father didn't bother to show, the lady didn't like him. Why would he bother? After putting her in the ground next to her husband, your mother was ready to put that part of her life to rest finally… that was until you got her will in mail.

“Everything?” your mouth hung open. “She's giving you everything? I thought she hated you?” your mother scoffed. “she didn't really have a choice, she cut all her family off; and she would rather be buried with the money than to give it to a charity.” your mother said. “at least she left you some.” she pointed. “to my granddaughter— she couldn't even remember your name.”

That's how your parents were able to retire early, with the huge settlement of money and new house, they decided to settle down and live out the rest of their days in solitude. “So why can't you do it?” you said, your mother turned to you as seriously as ever. “she died in that house, she was a spiteful woman, the type to find a way to become a ghost just to haunt me just in case I brought your father in the house” she said. “I want you to go up there and clear it of all her things and then we'll be up there in the early fall.”

That's how you found yourself driving up the extra long driveway to the huge mansion; the vines growing up the walls really added to the ghostly aesthetic. “she had a caretaker but not a gardener?” you parked right in front of the house, getting out of the car. “This house is scary.”

“Girl, we're having so much fun!” Your friend, Yeji, yelled into the phone. “really?” you said sarcastically. “I could totally hear you over the blasting music in the background.” you heard her giggle, before she told you to hold on. “Okay I'm alone.” The low music confirmed that. “Did you make it up there safely?”

You settled on a room, it was huge much like the rest of the house, unpacking the clothes you would need for the rest of the summer. “Is the house nice? Does it come with a pool?” You scoffed; “this house was made in the 1600’s , no it doesn't have a pool.” you said. “and it's okay, if you like creepy dim lighting and cold hallways even though it's 84 degrees outside.”

“Yikes.” she said, you nodded. “Yeah, this lady was loaded, but god did she not have any taste.” your face turned up in disgust. “Hopefully my parents will brighten this place up when they get here.”

After talking to yeji a bit, you let her go back to the party; at least one of you could enjoy the summer— meanwhile you had to find someone to eat. You weren't stupid the town was like a 30 minute drive out, so you made sure to pick up enough groceries to last you at least a week on your way here. Looking through the options, you settled on ramen; cause there was no way you were cooking anything else after a 5 hour long drive.

taking your bowl of noodles, making your way back to the room, you pass the many portraits of your mother as a child and a teenager— for your mother and grandmother to never get along, there surely were many; after making it back to your room, sitting the bowl on the nightstand.

Unfortunately there was no wifi, but you had data so that was good; you'd definitely had to change that wifi situation soon though, your mother was just obsessed with the Internet as you, there was no way she was coming here without it. Eating your noodles, scrolling through the stories with envy in your eyes, of all your friends enjoying their summers.

After finishing your food, and making yourself depressed; you decided to just go to bed, and start fresh in the morning— where you actually had to clean out her things.

The next morning you woke up at 11:30 feeling a little better than before, starting your day with a shower since you didn't have one in the morning; stripping yourself of your clothes, stepping into the warm shower, letting the water hit your skin, you let out a sigh of satisfaction; at least the water made you feel better.

after cleaning yourself; getting rid of yesterday, you stepped out of the shower, the foggy mirror in front of you. turning around to turn the water off— you turned around to face the mirror again. “what the fuck.” squinting your eyes, you rubbed them. certainly that wasn't a fucking person in the mirror. You quickly wrapped a towel around your body, wiping the fog off the mirror, your own reflection still there. “Great, not even 24 hours later and I'm already going nuts.”

You got dressed; deciding to finally tour the house— it was beautiful, despite the haunted nature of it; the furniture a bit outdated for your taste, but your parents will love it. you made your way to her bedroom; almost scared to go in— she died in there anyone would be scared. you pushed your worries aside, pushing the door open; walking inside.

The bed had been made after her passing, but everything else was still in the same place according to the caretaker. You started by stripping everything from the bed, throwing the sheets in the trash, emptying all her drawers; your mom said you could keep any jewelry she had, and she'll give the rest away to your cousins on your father's side. you then moved to her closet, separating all the clothes that you were keeping and the ones you were giving away, and finally the ones that you were tossing.

About 2 hours later you were done separating everything, putting the donation boxes in your car to take into town, throwing the clothes in the trash at the end of the long driveway. you kept a lot of things, turns out she kept a lot of clothes and her style wasn't that bad. “I’m gonna need a new suitcase.” you said to yourself.

You scrubbed everything down in her room; per your mothers request. “Yes mommy, I got rid of her ghost.” You rolled your eyes when she called to ask. “Great, is everything else okay?” you hummed. “Well despite the no wifi and being completely alone, yes.” You said. “Well we're still trying to sell here, we've found a realtor.” you let her go on and on, until she'd managed to talk for 2 straight hours— your stomach rumbling being the thing to interrupt the conversation. “Gosh love , have you eaten today?”

“I had some yogurt for breakfast.” you could hear her sigh. “It's 5:30 y/n and all you've eaten was yogurt?” She questioned. “Well I've been busy cleaning up your mothers home.” You said, she laughed. “Thank you, my daughter.” you mocked her. “Seriously honey, get yourself something to eat, I will call again.” you hummed. “And don't leave those clothes in your car, take them to the goodwill.” you nodded. “okay.” you hung up. “Really let's get you something to eat.”

After showering for the nights— luckily your eyes didn't create delusions this time, you settled on ordering take out, luckily someone was willing to bring you a pizza. “Thank you.” You handed the delivery guy the money. “Is this your new house?” he looked up. “My parents.” you said, he handed you the pizza box. “Scary.” was all he said before walking away. “Yeah.” You closed the door.

Taking your pizza back to your room; you almost made it back to your room— when you noticed the door to your grandmother's room was still open. “Hmm?” You were certain you closed it, you went to close it— but something caught your eyes on the dresser. It was a jewelry box. you don't remember putting that there; you don't even remember seeing it before.

You picked up the box, taking it with you to your room; sitting it on the nightstand. You finished your pizza; making an appointment on your phone to have wifi installed. “Sorry grandma, you might've lived in silence, but I need tv.” You finished the last bit of pizza, taking the box to the kitchen, returning back to your room, climbing under the covers; the wooden jewelry box still sitting on the nightstand.

You reached over, grabbing the box; it looked pretty old. You stopped admiring the details on the box; opening it. A thin silver necklace with a red and black pendant sitting in the box; it was the only thing in the box. You picked up the necklace, examining it. The necklace was beautiful, probably the prettiest piece that you took from your grandmother— yes of course you were gonna keep it, you wouldn't dare let your destructive ass cousins destroy something as beautiful as this. “Thank you grandma.”

You sat the box in between your legs, unhooking the necklace, placing it around your neck, snapping it. “Let's see.” you picked the box up, looking into the mirror. “So pretty.” You smiled, closing the box, sitting it back on the nightstand, yawning.

reaching over; you turned the light off; pulling the covers over your body, touching the pendant one last time before you fell into a deep sleep…

So unaware of what you had just done; who you just awakened, what you just invited into your life…

©️LUVYENI

[prince-liest]

was recently talking to a friend about qi rong which then lead to me going on a reread of my favorite qi rong fic EVER, and now I’m in my feels about him, his relationship with his family, and his relationship with xie lian and guzi.

I just love qi rong a lot. to be clear, he’s a horrible little gremlin and that is a lot of WHY I love him - but I also think that fundamentally qi rong is a character who is super traumatized but does not receive sympathy for that trauma because he is not traumatized in a “palatable” way which is a trend that starts when he is young and just never ends, canonically, at any point in his life

right from the bat: the first 5 years of his life, he's being physically and emotionally abused, he's cast out to live in a shed, his mom is forgotten by her family. by the time she finally escapes his abusive father and goes back to the palace, her elopement with him has been swept under the rug and most people don't actually know what happened - and are then weirded out by her and qi rong, causing all the children and even most adults around qi rong to basically refuse to interact with him. so he's abused and hated, then isolated to the point where nobody talks to him, nobody plays with him. the one time he thinks he succeeded at attempting to make some friends, it turns out that they tricked him into writing a death wish for himself and his mother on his lantern.

and all the while, he's watching xie lian and the adulation he receives, not understanding why xie lian gets those things and he does not. everyone always says he looks like xie lian. he’s even called xiao jing, like he’s a mirror of the crown prince. what’s the difference?

and then xie lian himself is the only person aside from his own mother to be genuinely kind to qi rong. qi rong is desperately lonely, envious and fixated on the cousin that nobody will stop comparing him to, and then said cousin is the only person to reach out to him with kindness. of course he wants to attach himself to xie lian and emulate him.

unfortunately for both of them, then his mother dies - not just randomly, but specifically in defense of xie lian’s mother, and having extracted a promise for xie lian’s parents to care for qi rong. however, things don’t actually change at that point. sure, they take him in and buy him whatever he wants, but as far as love and care are concerned, xie lian is really the only potential source of those things left for qi rong. xie lian is also a teenager with a lot of pressure on his shoulders and a lack of understanding of difficult situations. of course he doesn’t know how to raise his traumatized, misbehaving cousin! and nobody else bothers to. it’s deeply unfair for xie lian to be used as the singular tool to discipline and direct qi rong, and that directly contributes to their extremely soured relationship.

now that qi rong’s mother is dead, there is nobody left around that actually wants him or is willing to put effort into properly raising him. when a kid turns out as wild as qi rong - that's not just random happenstance, that happens because they weren't parented right (or at all). he acts out in increasingly insane ways for the attention everyone hates to give him - anyone's, but especially xie lian's, which sucks for xie lian because it should have been his parents providing qi rong with an authority figure and source of love, not xie lian's teenage self. and people respond by waving him off, giving him whatever he wants just to make him go away, and ignoring him, because he has a deeply off-putting personality.

and it causes everyone around qi rong to resent him in this vicious cycle that escalates his behavior because he doesn't know what else to do - until eventually even xie lian, the one person that he really looked up to, hates him too.

obviously qi rong is an awful person by the point we reach in canon, but I also think that if he had received regular hugs as a child and maybe some actual parenting from someone who didn’t beat him, instead of just being given a bunch of money and being told to fuck off

specifically because he was weird and traumatized and unlikeable

things would have turned out very different for him. because he very clearly tries - that’s one thing that’s very clear in the flashbacks and even continues to modern canon: qi rong really tries to get love and attention, and when that doesn’t work, he just escalates to “any attention, bad attention, attention that proves I’m worth something, proves wrong all the people saying the supposedly-amazing cousin that took away my only source of kindness when he started hating me, is so much better than me”. he starts out an awkward, off-putting kid and ends up the night-touring green lantern. of course he holds enough resentment to end up a calamity. his cannibalism shtick doesn’t even read as genuine to me, it just seems like he picked out “what’s the worst, most attention-grabbing thing I can possibly be to pre-emptively justify everyone’s disgust in me” and landed on that.

(see also: I think it’s hysterical that he has very strong opinions and abilities as pertains to gourmet cooking, and then just uses them to lure in victims so that he can have his meal of Raw Unseasoned Human Flesh. you can’t tell me he’s doing it for anything other than the bit at this point.)

and that’s also why I think his weirdly wholesome relationship with guzi also makes a lot of sense. qi rong is a shockingly decent father to him (eventually), probably in part because he overidentifies with guzi also being abused by his father, but also, because guzi is literally just a kid and therefore is not someone that yet has the capacity to have all these preconceptions about qi rong, nor for qi rong to read into his words and be insulted, because. that's just a kid. there’s nothing to read into.

I think his treatment of guzi (eventually) shows that he's capable of being at least kind of decent (or at least functional), he's just never been in a circumstance where his trauma and relationships let it happen. his material life was always supplied for, but his emotional and familial environment in xianle was invariably toxic for him.

anyway, I think qi rong needs a shower and a hug, in that order, and then to be forced to learn to interact with people who don't immediately assume the worst of him. thanks for coming to my TED talk, I know it was long as hell.

[themusingsofafanficwriter]

The True Meaning of Family - Chapter 4

Summary: A found family Supernatural AU. Ophelia Humphries is an English 19-year-old who is just trying to finish her online history degree when she receives a letter from two brothers she never knew she had.

A/N: Omg we're at chapter 4! Thank you for reading the fic, I hope you're enjoying it. If you didn't see the first three chapters, you can find chapter 1 here, chapter 2 here and chapter 3 here. Let me know what you think <3

T/W - Mentions of death and emotionally abusive relationships

"Okay, everything is okay. Everything is okay right? Please someone in this car tell me that this is okay!"

"Ophelia, don't worry, everything will be fine. You have Sam, Cas and I and we're not going to let anything happen to you. I promise." Dean reassured Ophelia.

"You promise do you? Is that why Cas had to resurrect you in 2008? Because if you ask me that doesn't sound like a small risk." Ophelia said to the man that sat on her left.

"Damn it Cas you told her?" Dean said with anger in his voice. He turned to face the angel in the back seat.

"She asked how I knew you both, I didn't see a reason to lie to her. She is your sister after all. The chances are that I'll end up bringing her back at some point too." He replied.

"Hey, how about we don't say things like that while I'm driving. Do you guys know not to distract the driver or does that not exist in the States?" Ophelia raised her voice above the argument that had erupted between Cas and Dean.

"Do they always bicker like an old married couple?" Ophelia asked Sam.

"Yeah, they do." He replied in a voice that seemed to say he was tired of it.

The men settled down again. "To be honest, I'd rather die trying to help people than from old age." Ophelia continued in a softer voice. "If I do help you guys, then I know that that'll be a risk."

The car ride was quiet for the rest of the journey.

"Right, now, I've not had a chance to warn my mum that we are coming. Cas, would you mind not coming in? I think it might overwhelm her." Ophelia asked looking into the rearview mirror to make eye contact with the angel.

"Yes, I understand. Would you like me to wait in the car or would you like me to go home?"

"Oh well, that's completely up to you. Is there anything you need to do?"

"Not really, Ophelia. I will go back to the bunker and wait for one of you to call me."

"Wait… Can I do that?" Ophelia asked

"Of course you can. I will listen out for your calls now Ophelia. If you had needed an angel beforehand though, I would have been there." Cas replied.

A smile creeped across her face. It was nice to know that someone was watching over her even if she didn't know it.

"Can you tell us a bit more about the situation with your mom and her boyfriend?" Sam asked cautiously.

"Hmm… Yeah well now seems like as good a time as any. It's kind of silly really. Brad, her boyfriend, is a really shit person. While my grandad was alive it wasn't too bad but since he died six months ago it got worse." Ophelia took a deep breath and glanced at the photo of her grandad William.

"Brad was emotionally abusive to me. I think he has been physically abusive to my mum and if he hasn't yet I think he will. It got really bad once Grandad wasn't there to protect us."

Dean reached out and patted Ophelia on the knee in reassurance. She continued. "About five months ago we got into an argument, I can't even remember what it was about, and he threatened to kick me out. Mum wasn't strong enough to stand up to him. So, I left."

"You said you were mending things with you mom though right?" Sam asked, hoping he was remembering right.

"Yeah, the day I replied to your letter I stayed at her place that night. We talked, I don't know if she really took in what I said but it's a start." Ophelia's smile came back to her face. It occurred to both Sam and Dean that Ophelia was putting on a brave face for them.

Ophelia pulled into the same spot she filled the last time she was outside her mum's house.

"Well, this is it guys." She announced turning the car's engine off.

"It's a nice looking place. Bigger than I thought it was going to be. I thought all English homes were small and joined up." Dean remarked.

"This house would have been for someone very wealthy back in the day." Ophelia said laughing. "Probably an old slave trader as we're so close to the sea. Grandad picked it up really cheap when him and my grandma were first married. It was in such a state, practically falling apart. He fixed it up."

She locked the car behind her and they all said goodbye to Cas before he took off. Ophelia hadn't realised that he made a whooshing sound when he took off.

The three Winchester siblings walked towards the front door. Ophelia had that familiar sick feeling in her stomach again. She hadn't been home since her mum gave her the letter. It was enough to make her feel light headed.

Dean was the one who knocked on the door. He stood slightly in front of Ophelia while Sam stood behind her.

They all waited for the door to open. Dean looked back at Ophelia and smiled, she looked nervous. This was the first time Dean had felt slightly protective over Ophelia, despite only knowing her in person for half a day.

When he first found out about Ophelia, he wasn't sure if he wanted to know her, at the end of the day it would be someone else to look after. He considered not telling Sam about the pages about her in a diary he had never seen before. At the end of the day though, he couldn't keep that secret from Sam.

They talked about it for weeks, going back and forth on if they should send the letter or not. Sam was all for it from day one and once Castiel had said the angels had been keeping an eye on her Dean realised that she could possibly do with knowing about them on their terms and not on some monsters who wanted information.

Ophelia smiled back at Dean and went back to chipping at her deep red nail polish.

A man opened the door, Dean assumed that this was Brad. He was shorter than Dean was and had dirty blonde hair that looked greasy as he had slicked it back.

"Hi Brad." Ophelia piped up from behind Dean. It was as if she was hiding behind him. "Is my mum there?"

"Ophelia, yes she is. Who are these men?" Brad replied with a strong tone of detest in his voice.

"Oh, we're her brothers." Dean said in a commanding voice. He extended a hand towards Brad and continued. "My name is Dean and that's Sam. I believe what Ophelia is too afraid to ask is can we come in to see her mom?"

Brad cautiously shook Dean's hand. He winced as Dean gripped his hand tightly.

"Yes, well, um. I believe she is in the garden. I can take you there if you want." Brad said, trying to regain control of the situation.

"Oh no. That's okay. I think Ophelia knows the way to the garden in the house she grew up in." Sam replied in an equally stern voice.

Brad just nodded and stepped aside for the three of them.

Ophelia walked into the house first, followed by Dean and then Sam. She kept her eyes to the ground, not making eye contact with Brad. Dean and Sam didn't take their eyes off him as they followed Ophelia down the hallway.

When they were alone Sam spoke in a hushed tone. "Are you okay Ophelia? That seemed difficult for you."

"Yeah, it was Sam. I just don't need the greef from him today. If you guys weren't here I know for sure he'd find something to have a problem with."

"It's okay. We're here for you. We've got your back." Dean added.

They continued through the kitchen and out into the garden. As it was about three in the afternoon the winter sun was getting low in the sky.

"Hi mum, what are you doing out here? You'll catch a cold." Ophelia said to get her mum's attention.

Sandra was sitting on a woven outdoor chair, wrapped in a bright yellow blanket. In the low light she looked quite ill and worn down.

The boys stood by the back door while the daughter greeted her mum. It was nice to see a genuine parent and child relationship. Dean didn't remember when that last happened. He came to the conclusion that it was probably when Bobby was still alive.

"'Phelia, what are you doing here? I wasn't expecting you." Sandra said with a surprised tone.

"Yeah, about that mum, I'd like to introduce you to two people." Ophelia beckoned Sam and Dean over to her. "These are my brothers mum, this is Sam and that is Dean and we all need somewhere to stay for a few nights."

Dean reached his hand out. "It's lovely to finally put a face to the name Ms Humphries." Dean said. His voice had more of a southern twang now then Ophelia had heard previously.

Sandra shook Dean's hand. She looked shocked and as if she had seen a ghost.

Sam also extended a hand. "Hi Ms Humphries, Ophelia is a lovely girl. We're so happy to have her be a part of the family."

"You both look so much like John…" Sandra said in a soft voice. "I'm so sorry for your loss. I loved him very much and he gave me the most precious thing in this world." Sandra glanced at Ophelia. "You say that you need somewhere to stay for a few days. I think I can manage that."

"Are you sure Brad won't mind?" Ophelia asked sheepishly.

"I won't give him a choice. Sam and Dean are as good as family and I won't have him drive away any more of my family." Sandra had a firmness to her voice that Ophelia had not heard in a few years. "Now, lets get back inside. I'm making a lasagna tonight so you guys came on the right day. 'Phelia, darling, could you go put the oven on? I'm making homemade garlic bread too."

The girl gave her mum a deep hug before walking into the house again.

"You boys will look after her won't you?" Sandra asked.

"Of course we will but I don't think she needs it Ms Humphries, she seems like an incredibly strong young woman." Sam replied.

"She is, but I don't want to lose her. I lost your dad and I cannot lose her too. My dad told me what John had told him, I didn't believe it but when I talked to John it all made sense." Sandra admitted to the two men in front of her.

"And you didn't tell Ophelia?" Dean questioned. "Why?"

"It was for the best, I didn't want her to go into the industry. I expect that you've told her and that's why you're here? For protection?"

"Yes ma'am, we had a little scare at the hotel we were staying at. Thought it would be best to come here to regroup." replied Dean.

Sandra nodded her head, it made sense. Ophelia wouldn't just turn up out of nowhere unless she had to. She wouldn't risk it.

The conversation was interrupted by Ophelia calling from the back door. "Hey guys, you might want to come back in as Brad is getting bitchy about how cold it is with the door open." Her face gave the impression that she didn't care that much.

Sandra wrapped the blanket around her tighter and headed back inside followed by Sam and Dean.

The afternoon turned into the evening. It was filled with laughter, cooking and childhood memories from all three Winchester children.

"I remember dad teaching both Sammy and I how to drive and oh man, it was bad to begin with. Sandra I don't know if dad drove you anywhere but that man did not drive well in his old age." Dean said through laughter.

"Well at least you didn't have grandad teaching you. Imagine it, I'm 16 years-old and I get into the front seat of his car for the first time and I get this lecture."

Ophelia composed herself and mimicked her grandad. "Now, Ophelia, this car is my one pride and joy other than your mother and you, but if you scratch her not only will I never talk to you again but I'll leave her to a local car buff." She burst into laughter as soon as she finished the impression. "Obviously he was joking, but it was enough to make me do fifteen in a twenty mile an hour zone."

"He gave me that same speech when I learned to drive!" Sandra added. Ophelia could see genuine joy and happiness on her mum's face, this wasn't something she was used to seeing.

A timer pinged and Ophelia stepped away from the large oak table that stood in the kitchen. She picked up a tea towel and pulled out the fresh baked bread. She carried it over to her family and placed it on a board in the center of the table.

"That smells amazing Sandra." Sam said.

"Oh, you're too kind, it's a simple recipe really. Have I taught you how to do it 'Phelia?"

"Yeah, mum, it's in the recipe book you made me last year."

"Can you keep it down. Please. Some of us still have work to do." Brad interrupted the jovial mood. He works from home occasionally.

"Sorry, Brad. We'll keep it down." Sandra's face dropped at the request.

"I expect you to. Unlike some, I have an actual job that isn't just a glorified hobby." He replied. He gave a stern look at Sandra and headed back to his office.

"What was that about?" Dean asked cautiously. He knew something was not quite right about this whole situation and could understand why Ophelia was so uneasy about leaving her mum alone with Brad.

"Mum is an artist. In recent years her business has taken off, she makes prints and paintings as well as jewelry and soft furnishings like bedspreads and stuff." Ophelia remarked with great pride.

Sandra looked at her daughter's face and smiled. "I've even been talking about branching off into interior design. Everyone compliments me on how I've designed this home so why not do it in other people's homes too."

"Well I think that deserves a toast!" Dean said. "What drinks do you guys have in?"

"Well, we have real British ale, Scottish whiskey and Irish whisky as well as some other spirits. Oh and there is a cider in here, no idea how long that has been here." Ophelia said while ratcheting around in the cupboards and fridge.

"I'll have some Scottish whiskey please Ophelia." Sam said. She filled a glass with a large measure and passed it to him.

"I'll have one of the ales kiddo." Dean said. Sam looked shocked at this. "What? You were the one who said when in Rome right?" Sam just shrugged his shoulders at his brother.

Ophelia poured a glass of white wine for herself and Sandra. "Hold on there kiddo, wine? At your age?" Dean said slightly shocked.

"Dean, the drinking age here is eighteen. I've been having alcohol from probably the age of sixteen. It's okay man, I'm almost 20." Ophelia replied.

Dean looked embarrassed and raised his glass. "To newly found family and new business ventures." They all clinked glasses in celebration.

The night continued on. Brad said he was too busy to join them for dinner so he took a plate of food to his office. Ophelia was annoyed by this. Her mum had put so much work into making everyone feel welcome in their home. Secretly, she did like it that he wasn't there. She could relax.

It was getting late and Ophelia felt herself getting more tired. It was probably the wine that she had, it always made her sleepy.

"I can show you guys to the spare rooms if you want?" Ophelia said, hoping the boys will pick up on the hint she was dropping.

Sam did pick up on it. "Yeah, sure that would be great. Lets go get our bags."

The three of them headed towards the front door. "Oh are you guys leaving so soon? We didn't spend any time together." Brad said pretending to care.

"Actually, we're just going to get our bags from the car. We're staying a few nights." Sam replied.

"That's odd. Sandra didn't run this by me."

"Does she have to? I mean, it is her house and we are family." Dean added to the conversation.

"No you're not family, Ophelia is family and she doesn't even stay here do you Ophelia?" Brad stared at the girl.

"Anyway, that's beside the point. Sandra has said we're staying for a few nights and as this was her fathers house and not yours." Dean continued. His voice was harsh and protective against Brad's confidence.

Accepting defeat this time, Brad turned and walked into his office which was just off the main hallway.

Sam opened the door as they headed towards the car. Once outside Ophelia thanked her brothers. "It means a lot to me for you guys to stick up for me like that. He really knocked my confidence when I left and I know my mum isn't as strong as she used to be. Every time I go to open my mouth I stop because I know I can't win."

"Don't worry about it Kiddo, like we said, we're always going to be there for you." Dean ruffled her hair, disturbing the curls which now found themselves in Ophelia's eyes.

She reshaped her hair and playfully slapped her brothers hand away from her hair. She had known these two men for all of nine hours and yet it felt like they had known eachother since birth.

After collecting their stuff from the car, Ophelia showed the boys to their rooms. "If you want clean towels there are some in the bottom draw in Sam's room. Oh and if you get cold there are blankets in the airing cupboard in the bathroom."

"Hey, Ophelia, sit with us. We should start talking about what we're going to do." Sam said in a soft, caring voice.

Ophelia nodded slightly and sat cross legged on the end of the bed next to Sam. Dean perched himself against the draws on the wall opposite the door. The tree looked at eachother, unsure who should talk first.

Sam took the first step into a new conversation. "We don't feel comfortable leaving you sleeping in your car or in random hotels."

"It's not that bad, it gets a little cold at times but it's not too bad." Ophelia said, she was fiddling with her hands, picking at her nail vanish again.

"We know exactly how bad it can be. Don't pretend with us kid." Dean said "We had eachother so it wasn't too bad. You don't have anyone when you're out there."

Ophelia shrugged "What do you suggest I do?" Her voice was wobbly.

"Well, there are two options. You either promise us to move back in with you mom." As Sam said this he saw Ophelia tense up slightly. Brad really frightens her more than she outwardly lets on. "Or" Sam continued. "Or, you come to America with us."

She looked up at Sam and then at Dean. "You guys can't be serious… I can't just up and move. What about school? And mum, what's going to happen to her? I can't leave her here on her own."

"Well then, looks like you're moving back home then." Dean said with some humour in his voice.

"Dean this is serious. You both hardly know me and you'd take me in?" She ran her fingers through her black curls, unsure what to say next.

"You said school is online right? So you can do it from anywhere with an internet connection. The bunker has that. As far as your mom goes, she'll be fine as long as she doesn't move house. We can get Cas to drop in on occasion too if that makes you feel better." Sam made the argument for the move.

"Can I sleep on it? This is a lot to take in… It's been a long day." Ophelia finally replied.

"Look, take a few days if you need. We will stay with you until you have made up your mind." Sam said.

Dean nodded in agreement. Ophelia got the impression that they really wanted her to go with them.

"Won't it be dangerous?" She asked.

"Most likely, but don't think you're coming out with us on hunts until we both think you're prepared. I'd personally be more than happy for you to never come on a hunt with us." Dean emphasized the point of being prepared.

Ophelia would love to go out with them at some point but she understood that she is both mentally and physically not capable of doing that at this moment.

"Look, it's getting late, go get some rest kiddo, and we will talk more in the morning." Dean said.

Ophelia stood from the bed and wrapped her arms around Dean. This didn't take Dean by surprise but what did was how small she was. She was much smaller than he thought she was, he had met women her size before but none that looked as delicate and helpless. He leaned into the hug and placed his chin on the top of her head.

She let go of Dean and hugged Sam who had also stood up from the bed. Sam put his right hand on the back of her head to hold his baby sister close. He had always wanted a little sister and was secretly loving every moment of being in Ophelia's life.

Sam squeezed Ophelia just for a little longer before letting her go. She headed towards the door but before she left she turned back towards the brothers.

"Thank you both. I'll see you in the morning, sleep well." The two men nodded in response.

Ophelia headed back towards her room but before she could get to the door a noise distracted her.

"You let them stay? Two strange men that Ophelia brings over and you let them stay?"

"Brad don't be ridiculous, they're her brothers. I'm not going to say no to them."

An argument had erupted between her mother and Brad. Ophelia sat half way down the stairs so she could hear what was going on.

"You didn't have the decency to run it past me. How am I meant to trust you if you're just letting any Tom, Dick or Harry stay."

"Again, they're her brothers and she trusts them and if they're anything like their father they're good natured men." Sandra fired back. Ophelia hadn't heard her mum talk back to Brad like this ever. She was proud of her mum.

"Oh, like their father huh? You mean the man who left you with a newborn baby to go back to his family in America?"

"We both agreed he should go back. That was a mutual thing that took a lot of talking about. Do not speak on things you don't understand."

Ophelia was peering through the bars on the banister to try and get a better look at the argument.

"Well, Sandra it seems like you're getting everything your way, like usual. You have no thought for anyone but yourself. You're a selfish woman."

That was the last straw for Ophelia. She ran down the rest of the stairs to be by her mum's side. "You need to leave Brad. Get out of this house." She said with a confidence that seemed to come out of nowhere.

"Oh is that right Ophelia? I need to leave do I? We already kicked you out once and we will do it again."

"No, there was no 'we' in that situation Brad. You kicked her out and I was too scared to stand up to you. It was my biggest mistake." Sandra used the confidence her little girl had shown to stand her own ground.

"Oh come on Sandra, you're a grown woman, you can stand up for yourself." Brad said with a cocky smirk on his face.

"No, not if she's scared of the abuse you'd give her." Ophelia grabbed her mum's hand and squeezed it. "Mum, go up and see Sam or Dean. Brad is going to need help taking things to his car."

"Are you going to let this child talk to me like this Sandra? In our house? There is no way I'm leaving, you're a spoiled brat who thinks she can always get what she wants." Brad said with ease.

"My house." Sandra simply replied.

"I'm sorry?"

"This is my house Brad. My family home. Ophelia is right, you need to go and you need to go tonight. Go pack some clothes and some of your things. We can sort the bigger items once you've got a more permanent place to stay."

Sam slowly walked down the stairs to see what the commotion was about.

"Is everything okay here Sandra? Ophelia, are you alright?" Sam joined his sister next to Sandra.

"Oh this is just what we need. An American butting in where they don't belong." Brad gestured at Sam in disgust. "Listen, Sandra, you're blowing everything out of proportion. We can work things out."

"No, you're leaving today. I'm done with all the abuse. Go pack." Sandra squeezed Ophelia's hand for support.

"Right, well, I'll give you some space for a few days but once you've come to your senses and realise that you're over reacting maybe give me a call and I'll think about moving back in." Brad replied.

By this point Dean had joined the group "Do you need help?" he said feigning sympathy.

"I think I can manage thank you. I don't expect I'll need much as I won't be gone for long." Brad said as he walked passed the group and up the stairs.

Ophelia hugged her mum tightly. "I'm so proud of you." She whispered into Sandra's hair. "I know that was hard for you but it's for the best."

"I never thought I would be able to stand up to him like that." Sandra whispered back.

"I think we should move into the kitchen so we're not just standing next to the door." Sam said. Ophelia let go of her mum and took her by the hand. All four of them moved from the hallway to the kitchen.

A short time later Brad came down the stairs, dragging a large suitcase behind him.

Dean gets up from the kitchen table and heads towards the front door.

"Now, I don't want to be hearing that you've wormed your way back into Sandra's life." Dean said while leaning up against the wall.

"I'll be back, Sandra won't cope without me."

"You seem to not know her very well. I've known her for all of an evening and she seems to have a plan for herself and her future. I mean, have you even talked to her about her plans?"

"Oh her silly art business? Please, that's a glorified hobby." Brad snorted. "Don't humour her."

"I think that it's time for you to go. If you can't support her passion and business then you don't deserve to be with her." Dean replied. He pushed passed Brad and opened the front door. He gestured to the darkness outside.

Brad took his suitcase and walked towards his small silver car.

"Oh before you go. I'll take your house keys too." Dean said.

Brad chucked the keys at Dean before getting into his car.

Dean slammed the door and walked back into the kitchen. He placed the keys in front of Sandra before sitting back down. Ophelia hugged her mum one last time.

"Everything is going to be okay mum, I promise."

[ubotherme]

this is exactly why I don’t fuck with you, you make up lies, you come up with the most random crazy shit in your head and then talk about it like it’s factual. You’ll tell people things about me that I never did, all because you assume I did because of your projection. Because YOU were out here cheating, YOU were out here receiving head and sex in exchange for you know what. Everything you accuse me of it’s just projection because it’s what you’re doing. My life has been nothing but positive the last almost two weeks. I don’t have to argue with someone every day who accuses me of doing things that I’m not, someone who doesn’t appreciate anything I do for them, someone who goes around, spreading lies about me. I’m at peace, I’ve gotten more done in the last two weeks that I did our entire relationship. You can continue to publicly lie about me, defame and slander me (which if you do you will hear from my lawyers) but you and I know the truth. You know I have all the evidence to back up everything I’m saying. I don’t wanna go there with you, stop talking about me, go fuck them hoes, go to the strip clubs, go live the lifestyle you so desperately want to live. I’m focusing on bettering myself, and I’ve done nothing but that lately. You can think I’m out here having sex with just anybody, doing drugs, whatever the fuck it is you’re crazy mind comes up with! I don’t care anymore, because my mom, God and I know the truth. I’ve had sex with three people my entire, I know I’m such a whore. I’ve been in 2 relationships. You’ve been in 10 and you have two baby mamas, you’ve had sex with many people and you got the nerve to sit there and try to slut shame me? That’s exactly what I’m talking about, you feel disgusted with yourself for all the people you hooked up with and all the nasty things you did to hook up with people. That’s the projection that you throw on to me because you can’t accept it. You can’t look in the mirror and accept the person you are. That’s a YOU problem, not me. I’ve made plenty of mistakes, but I take accountability and I learn from them. You’re 35 years old and you don’t ever take accountability for shit. It’s time to look in the mirror and grow up. Get a therapist while you’re at it. All of this is useless because you’re gonna continue to do what you’ve always done, which is paint me as the bad guy and that’s fine, because like I said, I have the proof. The pictures of my busted lip when you banged my head against the bathroom wall, the bruise on my ass when I jumped out of a moving car to get away from you, I have all the texts of you verbally abusing me. Threatening to kill me. But you do what you do best, play victim per usual and act like it’s everyone else’s fault. Brianna, Diana, Cindy, even your own daughter told you, you were in the wrong during a situation and you said I manipulated her. We can’t all be wrong. I bet you’re gonna tell your daughter next that she can’t have a relationship with me just like you did last time. Sad. Look in the mirror, go to therapy, and learn how to be a better human being. Nobody’s perfect, but you need to look deep within and figure out why you are the way you are.

[hime-memes]

                                      • Hime’s Mini - Playlist Starters • ( Part 2 ) 

                                                         - Villain Edition - I’ll be linking the lyric videos in the Bolded song title so you can go give these a listen if you’re so inclined ! If by chance you do find a new favorite song from this playlist - let me know in the tags & I’ll consider doing future installments of my personal RP writing playlists !

                                           ( Most of these have an villain vibe ! )

As always: These have been modified for cohesive and sensical use for the general RPC. Feel free to change anything within these that you see fit to make it work for your muse & the receiver’s muse !

Recommended For: Evil muses / plots / timelines.  Trigger Warnings For: Swearing, death mentions, abusive relationships/domestic violence, general violence, drug and alcohol mentions. 

 ‘ Villains Aren’t Born ( They’re Made ) ‘ “ Watch the torch set aflame: Watch it burn, watch it fade ... “ “ Watch the armies gather suit ! “ “ Someone's got to win & lose. “ “ They say my heart is almost black ... well, baby, who's to blame for that ? “ “ Count your blessings, count your minutes ! “  “ Played my game ? ( Hell, now you're in it ... )  “ Bittersweet, my renegade ... and I'm anything but tame. “ “ Grab your sword, you might just need it; 'Cause I'm not afraid of cheating. “  “ Oh, I hate to tell you this way ... villains aren't born -- darling, we're made. “ “ Scream my name when they run; ( Honestly, it's kinda fun ). “ “ Scream it louder when they fall ... seems I'm never satisfied at all. “ “ They take ! They take until you give ! “ “ You taught me well, now watch me win ... ! “ “ I aim before I kill -- If only for the thrill. “ “ Yes, it's bad, I know ... but still ? ( There's nothing left to lose ). “ “ Don't tell me ‘ It's not fair ! ‘, Believe me; I've been there. “ “ ... I'd much rather be alone if I'm sitting on a throne ... “

' Don’t Make Me ‘  ” Benefit of the doubt is my weakness. “ “ I’m turning the other cheek to see less. “ “ Let's say it right; not my fault you got regrets ! “ “ Bloodied lips, nursing right out the glasses. “  “ Diamond, pearl and ruby; you'll swoon. “ “ Can I offer you a little salt for that wound ? “ ” I've tried to take you lying down. “ “ I clarified & tip-toed around it. “ " You cross them every time ... “ “ Don't make me be the bad guy ! “ “ Despite all of my foresight - I keep hoping I'll be right about you. “ “ You’re my first psycho ... “ “ So hell, what do I know ?! “ “ Tell me you're the bad guy. “ ” Paradise lost; you've fallen from grace. “ “ You're cracking my ribs with just one embrace -- ! “  “ Your offering's empty, godless, and cold. “ “ I can read you like a book, ( and it's getting old ) ! “  “ Never was built to be this way: except turns out the villain is fun to play. “ “ Your Hollywood romance, extra and sappy; ( but - spoiler alert ! -- The ending ain't happy ). “ “ The ugly truth is bittersweet; so dress it up in fancy clothes ! “  “ ... But we both know just how this goes ... “ ” No longer a pretty view ahead. “ “ Our lies did not become us; we became them instead. “ ‘ Yes Mom ‘ “ Bet you've been a fan of me ! “  “ Do you see me in your fantasies ? “ “ Everything I got, I got working for me -- “  “ Eat that, peep that, I'm the one to beat, yeah. “ “ When I take my picture; wanna kiss her -- I'm like ‘ damn ‘ ! “ “ I see my reflection, got affection 'cause I can. “ “ I can't help that I feel myself; Yes, I guess I'm a fan ! “  “ Everything you're looking for is right here where I stand. “ “ What you see is what you get. “ “ Everything - I'm owning it ! “ “ Did it independent 'cause I got what I need. “ “ 2020 vision with ambition's how I'm made. “ “ I can't keep from winning when it's in my DNA ! “  “ Push me down & I bounce right back; trampoline and it's in my past ! “ “ I’m rising like a phoenix making fire from the ash. “ “ God, it's such a treat -- just getting to be me ! “  “ ... Spending all my time on what I want. “ “ Looking in the mirror; I'm so glad I'm here ! “ 

‘ Uh Oh ‘ “ ... Uh oh, you made a mistake ... “ “ Tell me things that can't be true. “ “ Your slacks are on fire; ( I'm fanning the flames ) ! “  “ Like a vampire stood out in broad day. “ “ Shoulda been wiser while pickin' out what you were gonna say ... “ “ Fool me once, that's one too many ! ( Better luck next time you've met me ) ... “ “ Where's the dunce who caught you meddling ? ... Turn around ... “ “ You're sweating this time. “  “ I'm reading your eyes. “ “ You're being called out, 'Cause you slipped your mouth ! “  “ Your face has turned pale: Gone faint; you're not well ? ” “ While you were distracted I cast a spell. “ “ Uh oh, you better run away now ! “  " Got nothing else to say to you. “ “ Forgive this wed intermission. “ “ Tragically, I'm not the victim here ... “ “ If only I fell for your fiction; Now, tell me things that can't be true. “

‘ High Enough ‘ “ I don't like anyone better than you, it's true. “ “ I'd crawl a mile in a desolate place; with the snakes ... just for you. “ “ I'm an animal; hand me a tramadol, and gimme the juice. “ “ You are my citadel; you are my wishing well -- my baby blue ! “ “ I used to like liquor to get me inspired ... But, you look so beautiful -- my new supplier. “ “ I used to like smoking to stop all the thinking -- But, I found a different buzz. “ “ The world is a curse - it'll kill if you let it. “ “ I know they got pills that can help you forget it ... They bottle it, call it ‘ medicine ‘; But, I don't need drugs. “ “ Is it 'cause I'm already high enough. “ “ You got me; and you got me good ... “ “ I only got eyes for you. “ “ Do you see anyone other than me ? “ “ Baby, please: I'll take a hit of whatever you got. ( Maybe two, maybe three ) ? “  “ Oh, you're phenomenal -- I feel like a domino, make me fall to my knees. “ “ I am a malady -- you are my galaxy ... my sweet relief. “ “ Don't try to give me cold water; I don't wanna sober up ! “  “ All I see are tomorrows. “ " The stars were made for us ! “

‘ Rebels ‘ “ Raise some hell before we ghost ! “ “ Break the rules, ( a broken nose ) -- “ “ You know us. We're soldiers. “ “ Rips and holes in baggy clothes, drippy hard from head to toes. “ “ We won't budge -- For no one. “ “ Walkin'. Don't know where we goin' but, we mobbin'. “ “ You looking for the juice ? Well we got it. “ “ Get out our way or join in the riot. “ “ Hear the sirens ? Quiet ! Shh ! “ “ Everything is burning and I love it ! “  “ Sit and watch the world until it's nothing ... ! “ “ Scared of going out into the public; Yeah, we the kings now. “ “ Take it if you can't afford to cop it. ( Talk about a baller on a budget ) ! “  “ Gloomy 'till they put me in a coffin ... “ “ Ridin' -- straight to the top ! “  “ There's no getting by it. “ “ Ashes like fireworks in the sky ... “ “ Don't be afraid of heights; 'Cause we flyin'. “

' Angry Too ‘ “ I buried the unseemly urges; Deep down in the ground with the roots ... “ “ It's all coming up to the surface ... maybe it's getting ready to bloom ? “ “ I don't wanna be a monster in the making ! “ “ I don't wanna be more bitter than sweet ... “ “ I don't know how to be just standing by blankly ... not getting angry. “ “ ‘Cause another & another coming up out of the gutter; 'Til I'm drowning in an ocean of entitled motherfuckers and they're pushing all my buttons ! “ “ They never seem to wonder why another & another, ask each other: ‘ Does it get your blood boiling ? Does it make you see red ‘ ? ”  “ Do you wanna destroy it ? Does it get in your head ? “  “ 'Cause it gets my blood boiling, & I'm coming unglued ! “  “ It would hit you like poison ... ( if you knew what I knew ) ... you would be angry too. “ “ I'm seeing through crimson sunglasses. “ “ I'm breathing and counting to ten. “ “ I guess I'm fresh out of free passes, they'll pay if it happens again ! “ “ I don't wanna drink the venom they made me ! “ “ I don't wanna be controlled by the past ! “ “ Boy if you were me, could you really blame me ? “ “ Wouldn’t it make you crazy ? “ “ Calm down girl, why you so mad ? “ “ Why's your heart gone rotten ? “ “ It's all good girl; why are you upset ? “ “ Guess they have forgotten what they did ?! “ “ You would be angry too. “

‘ Horror Movies ‘ “ Don't go down to the basement ! “  “ We all know what's coming next; Murder with a little side of mayhem. “ “ ... Here I go again ... “ “ Is that blood on the wall ? “ “ A Scream down the hall ? My knees are shaking so bad that I gotta crawl ! “ “ All my ghosts are chasing, but why can't I escape them ? “ “ Careful where you step ! -- 'Cause if I keep going, I'm losing my head. “ “ I need a vacation; Or something to sedate them ! “ “ I hate horror movies ... Please don't ask me why. “ “ I hate horror movies so damn much that I could die ! “ “ This movie's looking too much like my life ... ! “ “ Shhh, I don't wanna wake 'em ! “ “ I'm hiding under the bed. “ “ ... And if you think that you'd be scared of Jason ? ... You should meet the monsters in my head ! “

‘ This Is Love ‘  “ You're no good -- you're no good ! “  “ You could kill me & you should. “ “ I'm an idiot for thinking this was anything but blood ... “ “ You must like being the victim. “ “ You've done nothing to get out of this pattern of pain. “ “ It got washed away by the rain. “ “ You'll forgive me if I promise, then do nothing but the same. “ “ This is life until death, could be my last dying breath ! “  “ This is love, love, shut up ! This is love ... “ “ Forget everything you used to know ! “ “ I think you better tell your friends to go. “ “ Stick around cause I'm about to show you, the beginning is the end. “ “ Yeah; I know wrong, and I know right ... but, I just love to pick a fight. “ “ I can sleep with one eye open; ( If there's any sleep at night ). “ “ I got my knife, got my gun -- “ “ Let's see how fast you can run. “ “ You might think that you can hurt me but, the damage has already been done. “ “ It's pathetic, I know ... A jealous fool who won't let go. “ “ If I was sorry for my actions would I ever stoop so low ? “ “ I've got nothing left to give you. “ “ ... Fuck it, this is love. “ “ I was good but then I quit. “ “ Everyone that tried to fix me knows that I can't change a bit. “ “ I've got no shame, got no pride ... only skeletons to hide. “ “ If you try to talk to someone; well then someone has to die ... “ “ Once you chase me down the hole & once you think you're in control, you'll believe that we are partners & your feelin’ comfortable ... Then the darkness rolls in & you'll forget who I have been. “ “ The simple love that your grandparents had ... ? “ “ This kind of love will only make you mad. “ “ It hurts at first but it ain't that bad -- “ “ You gotta wonder what it meant. “

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

emotional abuse tw

I moved out from my moms house a few months ago and I was hoping that the abuse would end. My mom is completely unaware that she's abusive and even when several therapists suggested an unhealthy relationship between the two of us, she simply forbid me to see that therapist ever again, and at some point, to see any therapist.

She called me today and yelled at me for so many things, that are her fault, at the base.

(Not to get too deep into it) I should get money from the state two years ago, but I would've needed her signature (because back then I still lived with her). She refused so I never got anything. When I told her, she accused me of failing getting the money (though they wrote the missing signature as the official reason) and trying harder, so many times, that I just lied to her at some point and said, that I receive it now. I wrote the bureau (from which I'd get the money) that I take back my application and would go without the money, because it was just too much trouble for me, for not that much money.

For some reason, this bureau wrote me twice a year, that they needed more proof and I always wrote them an email, referring to my old email, that I never gotten anything and don't expect anything but peace and quiet. They never answered so I thought it was okay. This was always big trouble, because my mom always opens my post and would yell at me, whenever that letter came.

And today I got a letter to my old address (my moms house) and she opened it and it was said bureau, saying that I need to pay back 4 times the amount of the money that I could have, but never did, get. Because I couldn't give them enough proof I deserve it. This is much trouble for me, because of the moving I lost access to my bank account and can't show them, that I never gotten anything (this whole moving is a mess in itself) and, well, because my mom read this letter and yelled at me and I had a hard time covering my old lies because imagine what would happen if I told her I lied to her for 2 years.

And then she had the audacity to yell at me "You could've taken yourself a therapist who could help you with all of that, but now it is too late" as if she didn't forbid me to do? I am looking for a therapist, almost since the day I moved out, but waiting lists are 1 year or more.

And then (idk she apparently remembered what she hated on me, once she started yelling) she yelled at me because I always wear the same outfit (I visited her last weekend) and I shouldn't dare coming to her house with that outfit again (nothing against the outfit itself). That she'd drag me shopping soon enough, if I don't get myself something else.

And this is so fucked up, because she raised me with so much self hate towards my body, my weight, my curves, slut shaming every visible collarbone, that this is my only comfort-summer outfit by now. I can't even look into the mirror without self hate, but sure, my fault that I don't own a more diverse wardrobe.

And she did lie to me in the past, that we would drive somewhere fun and when we arrived it was a shopping mall and I was forced to spent 10 hours there, until I bought enough to satisfy her. I am afraid she'll do something like that again and I will avoid getting into her car in the near future.

You know, I feel so fucked. I feel like that shitty bureau hates me, because wtf? I always feel like everyone just waits to stab me in the back, but they really proofed it. And my mom, who yells at me as if any of this was my fault? As if I didn't do all I can just to survive and everything else is an extra? Nobody appreciates, what I do, that I go outside with all of my self hate, that I try to find a therapist, no, it is never enough, I am never good enough and it is all my fault.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through. It sounds like your mom often criticizes you and fails to understand your circumstances or perspective, to say the least. It seems like your mom puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on you and discourages healthy and open discussions with her by making you feel like everything is somehow your fault.

When you've been experiencing this for a long period of time, it can be easy to internalize these messages and feel like you aren't good enough or that everything is your fault, but please remember that you are worth so much more than this and you are trying your hardest. You do not deserve to be treated this way.

It sounds like your relationship with your mom doesn't benefit you in any way. Since it seems that you're living on your own now, have you considered cutting her off? It would be a big change and may come with a complex range of feelings, but it's also worth self reflecting and asking yourself what you deserve, and if your mom's behavior aligns with that. I do also understand if the situation with the bureau is preventing this.

Please remember to practice self care during this time. You deserve to be gentle with yourself, especially after everything you've been through. If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[awkwardturtletrash]

You’re so right! The fandom misunderstood everything about Tim that made him Tim.

Sleep deprivation:

He over sleeps, he’s always tired and overworked buts he’s always falling asleep — rollercoasters, ignoring phone calls, even at work. It comes off more as controlled chaos, clinical awareness, and depression. Also he drinks soda.

Taking care of Bruce:

He took care of Bruce but it wasn’t so much Bruce abusing him or taking his anger out and instead every bad thing Batman (because it wasn’t always Bruce!!!!) did was while Tim Drake was supposed to stop it or because he left! He couldn’t help and something bad happened. It’s less that he was beaten into being his carer, nor did he force his way into being his moral compass, but the guilt of him not preventing these bad outcomes. His response to problems is to fix them, whether it’s through social manipulation (good or bad) or cold, calculated planning. But he cares! And he feels guilty!

Jason vs Dick:

JASON WAS NOT HIS ROBIN!!!! Tim Drake has been a dick Grayson Stan for fucking forever (even when Dick hated him in the beginning) and they have a constant push and pull relationship built on hard work, learning, and insane respect for each other. They literally mirror each other’s stress responses during their big fight over Bruce’s death (Tim was the one who ran, Dick was the one who stayed). Their fight wasn’t Dick vs Tim moreso brothers dealing with trauma.

His parents:

They weren’t abusive, not in the beginning. They were bad parents, yes, but they weren’t training him to be a robot nor were they ice parents (also the creator wanted him to have a family so that he was focused on being Robin and not Batman while still able to disappear to be Robin ergo traveling parents). His mom is fucking hugging him when they meet the Graysons (first hug my fucking ass). Yes, him and his dad are on the rocks and his dad does drop the ball and he holds a gun to Bruce’s head but he’s still with his son, he’s still a present figure scared and controlling and also traumatized from being in a coma with a dead wife. They are not good parents but they’re not evil people. Jack Drake is a tragedy of a father and y’all are making him BORING.

Drake manor:

They moved in AFTER Jack Drake woke up! Stop it!

Ra’s Al Ghul:

It’s a hundred percent racism to make his whole character surrounding Tim. Yes, he is obsessed with Tim (Paris was intense and is never handled with respect by fanon) but he existed as a character before and after. There’s a lot more villains with personal ties to Tim (no one ever tends to write about fucking BOOMERANG but that would require batfam fans actually reading a comic for once) or new ties to be invented but they keep stripping Ghul his relationship to Bruce, Damian, Talia, and his existence as an antagonist and not side character.

Uwu Tim:

Tim would talk shit while getting beaten to a pulp. He has roasted Batman to other characters multiple times. He created up the worst ever fucking superhero design (Mr Sarcastic my beloved) to be a little shit. He stole a fucking Batmobile in the Batarang budget. He held a gun to his head threatening his future self. He has half a dozen aliases, and even considers himself to be three different people when needed be. He is a snarky, loser, dedicated hot mess and y’all make him the most stereotypical autistic child to the point of savant stereotype who cries when he receives a head pat. It’s pathetic and boring and SUCKS !!! Go watch Steven universe and leave dc comics alone

I am a Tim Drake fan. I just bought over half a dozen limited edition comics and merch at comic con last fucking week. And Tim Drake stans have fucking ruined the dc fandom. Go read a comic or start tagging everything with “fanon” or “I fucking made this all up” because Jesus, I don’t know who you’re writing fanfic of but it’s not Timothy Drake.

(I just got all four of my wisdom teeth removed so this other be delirious but whatever. Tim best boy.)

i promise i do like Tim guys :(

This is probably my most unpopular opinion as a Tim stan who spends a lot of time in the parts of the fandom that constantly talk about Tim, but this fandom has a habit of making Tim "better" than he actually is and it hurts his character in the end. Anways, i'm going to make a list.

There are so many characters that we never get to see because of him. We only get to see Jack and Janet Drake as abusive because the fandom decided that they were bad parents. We only get to see Ra's al Ghul when he's obsessed with Tim. Damian rarely gets proper fanfics about his early days as Robin or Dick's time as Batman because all those fanfics are about Tim.

The way a lot of this fandom treats him gives of special snowflake vibes and I admit I do read those fics but I feel like a lot of people write him that way because that's the only characterization of Tim they know. It's honestly unrealistic that he managed to stalk highly trained bats as a young child and take photos. I joke about it too, but he canonically has the strongest morals out of all the batboys and canon makes a big deal about the fact that he didn't kill anyone while blowing up buildings. I like these tropes, I read them and all that but they kind of take me out when they're in serious fanfics.

Probably the most unpopular one but I think fanon is doing Tim a disservice by not holding him accountable for anything and villainizing other characters for him. Like people refusing to acknowledge that Tim was very rude to Damian when they first met. The whole mess with him become Red Robin was a good example of that. Canon was a mess too but basically went like this: Tim insists Bruce is alive for no real reason, Damian becomes Robin for a multitude of reasons I won't talk about now, Dick suggests Tim gets a therapist, Tim gets mad and leaves despite efforts otherwise, Dick later finds actual evidence and the all make up. If Tim had stayed in Gotham nothing would have changed because honestly it probably would have been easier for him to find most of the evidence. This is probably the one trope I won't read because it seems insane to act like Dick was crazy for not believing him and he was ostracized from the family despite the fact that he pretty much choose this way. If Tim wanted to stay with the family so much maybe he should have done that while Dick was asking him too and offering him help?

Anyways you guys can ignore this if you want to and if you have a counter point your welcoming to say it

[carronpatrick]

Y'all I just. I'm gonna post the chaos here cause why the fuck not, they can kiss my ass if they don't like it. 😘 But unlike FB and IG, I can blissfully put a read more! 😂

So basically, I've had one shit thing on top of the other and I'm literally dealing with my poor mom needing brain surgery and I just. I finally broke down to the lowest I can go before I'm in the ground and stayed there for weeks and something added on top today and uh, yeah, absolutely the fuck not.

----- This was the public post, lmao. Enjoy I guess? Idk. I have friends here who I don't have on other socials and y'all all deserve to know what's been happening... For my entire fucking life tbh. 💀 -----

❗Access to my presence is a privilege. I accept the apologies you'll never give for my own peace, even the ones that are falsely given and full of excuses and lies and blame shifting to make yourselves feel better, but your access is still denied. ✌🏼

Perhaps if me expressing my feelings feels like an attack, you should reflect on why you feel guilty and why you refuse to accept and take responsibility for your actions. Y'all always told me to grow up - maybe you should do the same.

If you have a problem with me, don't call my mother to make her cry. (Not just the one person who called today because I reacted to a crappy behavior which excuses given aren't technologically possible, this goes for all of y'all who have done that since I was a child.) You've placed family members my age and in my same relation to you on your peer level, you can do the same for me. Come to me. I'll see messages in my requests box and will gladly give my phone number.

But also don't expect the same little girl who would keep the truth hidden to keep the peace. My peace isn't worth any less than yours. The little girl who was yelled at at age 5, taken off the will, and told I was not wanted, but my half sister was so she should stay. The broken teenager who cried and cried and begged God, please, I'd do anything, take years off my life, please just to change me into someone who y'all would deem worthy of love and attention and basic human decency.

I won't air y'alls dirty laundry, and unlike you, I won't make up lies or talk behind backs in refusal of my errors and imperfections - I am a human, I am flawed. I have made plenty of mistakes and God willing, I will live to make many more! But I also accept responsibility for them and learn from them. I simply won't accept being treated like an unwanted bug anymore. And that's truly how all of you have made me feel, every day of my 30 years so far.

You took enough, you destroyed enough, you have hurt me enough. I deserve better. And the saddest thing is you don't even see that. People who I should NEVER have had to EARN LOVE FROM. People I gave ALL my love to, unconditionally, endlessly. People who I will still love until I die, and still cry and mourn the possible relationship I should have had with. I will cry when you die, but sadly only because of the missed opportunity to be a real family and the apologies I learned to forgive but never received.

I will continue to pray for all of you every night, in hopes one day you take a look in the mirror and realize how far off the path you've gotten. I truly hope you are able to fix the poisonous parts of yourselves before you have to face God. I hope in Heaven, you'll be better, and maybe we can finally have the relationship you so easily gave everyone else but refused me.

I am finished with people who refuse to even care enough to ask my side of the story. For 30 years, I've accepted that I was the ONE person who you all deemed unworthy and unwanted and not good enough and I was doing something wrong, maybe I really didn't deserve to be alive. People who would rather coddle the person who physically abused me and taught me how to sink a blade into my skin and told me to kill myself and never has nor ever will apologize or even acknowledge it happened. Maybe you all are just stupid and honestly believe it, I'm not sure. But as adults, you damn well should know better and behave better.

You almost took my life from me at 16, you have destroyed as much as you possibly could for the past 30 years - I refuse to allow you to take and destroy the rest.

I hope your lives will be as joyful and Godly and fulfilling and wonderful as mine will be, but at this point there is literally not a thing you could say to be allowed back in my life. And sadly the actions that would allow it will never be done because you guys don't have the balls to stand up and ask questions and make waves.

✌🏼

----- and then I sat here listening to Look What You Made Me Do by TSwift and wrote this 😂😂😂😂 -----

I'm finally just... not sitting here, forced (just to clarify, not by Mom, but by her shitty family and most of Dad's as well) to stay silent and let the horrible attacks build up internally until I go off grid for 3 weeks in a dissociation zombie state because I have to go numb to survive and I cry myself to sleep and cry when I wake up and question if they're right and I'm useless and have no talent or intelligence and shouldn't be alive.

Nah, fuck that, I absolutely do. I deserve to thrive, not just survive in fear of the next bad thing they will drop. I'm not useless. I have plenty of intelligence and I think at least a little bit of talent. Not as much as my friends and Mom think I have, but. 🤭 LOOK, I have plenty of my own demons tearing me down, I don't deserve to have them become new ones on top of the old traumas they caused.

Oh my God, I never realized how suffocating it was to be an adult with my own social media and be unable to say even 50% of what I think or how I feel for fear of 'family' causing drama and fights and fear of not being the better person. I'll be the better person tomorrow, I deserve to vent to the few people who DO give a fuck about me. (Or just vent to myself, which is also fine tbh.) I knew it was stifling and damaging but like. I guess I just pretended it wasn't as bad as it truly was.

Like, I have Tumblr - which has been the one safe place for me for the past, oh, 15 years at least - but shit, dude, I deserve to have peace all over. No more secret 'close friends' posts, I can just.... Post.... And anyone who doesn't like it can just.... Not like it or delete me or whatever... 🤷🏻‍♀️ I can sing again with the normal fears that people won't like it, not that my song choice will create a power point discussion on what I did wrong by posting it at their family vacations to the lake or whatever.

Won't cause an entire war (which, FYI, they do NOT want to wage a war with me because all my skeletons are at my table in plain view and I accept and learned from them and know I'm not less for being honest, but theirs are buried so deep it'd basically ruin their lives. Never underestimate the quiet ones you abused for years, honey. We learn to become wallflowers and we remember every dirty secret.)

But, yeah. I can just... Be myself... Don't have to defend myself or Mom (or Dad, yeah, the dead man who can't defend himself now? Yeah.) against anyone because I said 'fuck' (the HORROR! A FULLY GROWN ADULT! 30 YEAR OLD WOMAN! USING A NAUGHTY WORD! THE SHAME!), cause none of them will ever see my posts again. I can post my songs/lyrics because I don't have to worry about the bullshit guilt trip over being hurt when someone hurt me. I can post just, songs I hear and like and want to share! Funny memes! Cute animal videos! Or nothing at all! Even my silence won't be dissected!!?! 😱

I can feel my feelings and like, y'all can disagree but you won't tell me I'm wrong for feeling that? And tbh if you do, you'll be deleted cause you can disagree with my feelings or thoughts or whatever, but you have no place telling me how I involuntarily feel or think is wrong. ((Not like, I don't have all the information and have a bad take on something important like politics or something. I absolutely welcome y'all educating me, just not for my personal stuff. I'm sure the whole 2 people still reading understand what I'm saying, lmfao.))

How wild, bruh. 💀

Freedom from 'family' feels weird, lmfao. Very very good but I'm just still expecting someone to screenshot my posts and send them to the family group chat I've never been in and talk shit about me and call Mom to yell and make her upset just to injure me. I'm like a rabbit just scared to death of every twig snap still, but I'll hopefully get over it.

Nothing like righteous anger to create spite to knock you out of a depression breakdown, right? 😂

[mydarksadshadow]

shadow work day 10

date: 22nd Dec '22

what is a list of things that I find inspiring?

inspiring toh bahot sari cheezein lagti hain. lekin sirf inspire hone se nahi chalta, usko life me apply krna zyada matter krta hai. waise the list would include feminism, feminists, people who fight through odds like not having a support system and yet still going on to achieve the things they wanted in life, people with unwavering optimism in finding better people for their lives despite getting disappointed repeatedly by shitty people (that's me, I'm tryna stay positive, I hope I find at least one friend soon, but I won't tell her any of my fears/weaknesses, ain't makin that mistake again). bas zyada aur kuch nahi, I think I am my own competition and strength. I trust myself enough to get out of this now.

what am I insecure about? when did these insecurities start and why?

I think I am still a bit insecure about my native tongue when my parents speak in front of people that I know, and I think it stems from my inferiority complex (IC). I have managed to overcome 99% of my ICs, except for this part. I have inherited my IC issues from my mom. she ain't insecure about the language part though surprisingly. I'm also insecure about failing 11th grade but as long as that part of me stays hidden from the rest of the world, I couldn't care about it any less at this point. one can't do much when their parents are cunts. I guess I am also insecure about my weaknesses like the fact that I don't really have a relationship with my parents so it'll be awkward to invite friends over cus we ain't a normal family by any means, and the loneliness feels quite painful too sometimes. my weaknesses make me insecure cus they are a reminder of how shit my life has been in the past couple of years and how horribly hopeless I have felt this whole time. ups and downs of life I guess. never letting my fucking egg and sperm donor control my fucking life again. motherfucking cunts. also, I just realized that currently, I don't feel worthy enough of having a loving, romantic relationship cus of how unworthy that fuckboy made me feel. he's the biggest cunt ever. maybe if I start spending more time with other people, I'll stop feeling like this.

what was my favorite activity as a child? do I still do this activity today?

I used to love reading and playing/spending time with my friends. It eased me from the pain and abuse I endured at home. I enjoyed reading a lot as it helped me escape the world for a few hours and it made me more self-aware and independent compared to my peers (i wish I also had more self-esteem though) and gave me hope for a better future, plus it made my English strong and gave me this cool-ass personality. *flips hair* I still try to read from time to time and I wish I did it more often, and I would love to have the company of some real non-toxic friends now. my fingers are always crossed for that. let's see how things pan out in the next couple of months.

what are the things that I am looking forward to during my lifetime?

I am looking forward to having a fulfilling career, wonderful friends who are kind, loving, supportive, and generous (and I mirror the same qualities in our friendship), and marrying the man of my dreams who is everything I could have desired for and he feels the same way about me and we make each other very happy. I also look forward to having 3 beautiful kids, and a pet dog, and a Persian cat, and living a comfortable & luxurious life with no money-related worries in life whatsoever, and actually feeling worthy of receiving healthy, unconditional love from people around me.

[spamhappyface]

Aromatic Summer| H.P.

Pairings: Harry James Potter x Fem!Reader Word Count:2.1k

WARNINGS: SMUT, praise kink, oral (m receiving, slightly aggressive) deep throat, kinda sir kink! Sub!Harry (kinda) Dom!reader Characters are of age! Plotless…

It wasn't a surprise that Y/n's mother, Teresa, sometimes didn't treat her like a typical teenager. Teresa had decided to send Y/n to Privet Drive for the summer to take care of Harry after the recent incident. Y/n and Harry were more than just friends; they had lost their virginity to each other a couple of months ago. However, they had agreed to keep their relationship strictly platonic since then.

A lot had changed since Harry became the Hogwarts champion for the Triwizard Tournament. The death of Viktor Krum, Y/n's childhood best friend, had left her in shock. She had witnessed his lifeless body during their duel, and it had deeply affected her. Despite being only fifteen years old, Y/n's mother somehow expected her to play the role of Harry's therapist, even though it wasn't her responsibility.

Y/n believed her mother was joking when she approached Mr Dursley with a card from Dumbledore at King's Cross Station. The card stated that she would be spending two weeks with the Dursleys since Teresa was Harry's godmother. The Dursleys, filled with apprehension after reading the card, reluctantly agreed to accommodate Y/n.

Meanwhile, the last thing Y/n wanted was to spend her summer with abusive Muggles like the Dursleys, who seemed to be just as bad as her own mother, if not worse. The initial days with Harry were far from what she had anticipated. Y/n longed for solitude and craved being in the comfort of her own home, or at least with her parents and her little sister. Being at Privet Drive felt like a nightmare she couldn't wake up from.

Despite her disdain for the Dursleys, Y/n knew how to mask her true feelings and behave appropriately in front of ignorant Muggles. She had grown up in the North American Magical community and had attended Ilvermorny, giving her a unique perspective and a deeper understanding of Muggle’s life, including political views. She had engaged in many insightful debates with the Dursleys, or so she thought, until a particular conversation she had with Harry.

"To be fair, Y/n, you look alright, but..." Harry started, trying to convince her to wear something else.

"I know,” she said happily.

"Why don't you try my jacket?" he suggested casually, fetching it from his wardrobe.

"Are you joking?!" she exclaimed, giggling. "We're... how hot is it?"

"Dunno!" Harry raised his voice for a moment before calming down. "Look, it's just that I reckon you should wear something different. Dudley's mates are proper wankers. They're bound to say something, and you know we don't want to get into any bloody trouble—"

"Oh, come on, Harry. It's just a sundress. My mom bought it for me, she chose it, and I'm going to wear it. I look hot and—" Y/n said firmly to Harry, then caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and was surprised. "Oh, Merlin's beard! Why don't I have a boyfriend or something? I would totally date myself, damn..."

Harry seemed a bit bewildered by her comment but carried on expressing his concerns.

"Yeah, and you look lovely. Look, Y/n, you're stunning. You've got a beautiful smile, gorgeous eyes, stunning hair, and a brilliant personality. But I'm dead serious, please. I'm saying this 'cause I care about you, and those blokes are daft as a brush. They even smoke weed, and sometimes they— I don't wanna get in any trouble for defending you."

"Oh, Harry," Y/n said, her cheeks slightly reddening. "Thanks for the compliments, but I know how to handle myself. You don't have to worry about it. Come on, let's go swing!"

“But you’re wearing a dress–”

Unexpectedly, Y/n lifted her dress up to her belly, revealing a pair of black spandex shorts.

“It’s called shorts, you know?” she said a bit annoyed by his behaviour, putting it down again.

Y/n stormed out of Harry's room, filled with anger, and stomped her way downstairs with Harry trailing behind her. As they descended, Y/n couldn't help but notice the way Mr Dursley was staring at her, causing her to feel increasingly uncomfortable. Mrs Dursley, on the other hand, seemed to be giving her a deathly glare as they continued their stride.

"Where are you two off to, then?" Mr. Dursley inquired, his tone almost gleeful.

"The park," Harry responded icily, heading towards the door, while Y/n offered a forced smile, feeling awkward under the scrutiny.

"Are you really letting her go out like that? People will start asking questions!" Mrs. Dursley muttered with disapproval.

"Let them, dear. Let the lad have some normal company. The girl looks perfectly normal to me. Besides, now they'll think the boy's managed to find himself a girlfriend!" Mr. Dursley retorted.

"Then, aren't you going to say something to her?! That dress is simply..." Mrs Dursley began, her voice trailing off.

"I'm not her father, dear. She can wear whatever she pleases. And... it's not like I care enough to notice," he murmured the last part, barely audible.

Y/n quickly realized that her physical appearance was one of the main reasons why Mr. Dursley treated her with a bit more kindness. She overheard their conversation without much effort, as they weren't exactly discreet with their voices. However, she didn't care. She loved the blue floral sundress and how it made her feel. Yes, she attracted some unwanted attention from older men with their stares and whistles, but she refused to change herself for them. It wasn't the first time she had experienced such behaviour, and she wasn't about to let it dictate her choices.

Throughout their days together, Y/n and Harry found themselves engaged in similar activities—going to the park and returning home. It was only for two weeks, as Y/n's mom would soon come to pick her up, and she eagerly anticipated that moment. It wasn't that Y/n was being selfish regarding Harry's well-being; it was simply that she believed she needed to help herself before she could effectively assist him. However, after a few days, she pushed her own emotions aside to be there for Harry, to listen to his feelings, and yes, even their shared hormones often made it difficult to maintain control.

For Y/n, life was too short to wait around for Ron forever, pondering whether or not he liked her. So it was either him or his best friend.

"Can I?" Harry gasped, his chest heaving, their conversation interrupted by kisses.

Constant friction was made in her entry for her little shorts of spandex against Harry’s old jeans, the hot summer wasn’t helping these two teenagers without the supervision of serious adults who actually could take care of them. Y/n smirked at his comment while she kept making circles on his dressed cock, taking his wrists desperate to put them directly in her tits. Harry gasped one more time between the frantic kisses, he was in heaven.

“You like it?” she asked vigorously.

“Y- Yes… I like it” he said breathlessly “I love it”

Y/n smiled at his answer, moving his wrists to her hips. A more confident Harry moved his hands a bit more where her butt cheeks were squishing them, Y/n go faster at her pace and Harry got his hands under the fabric of her spandex shorts.

“You’re not wearing any underwear?” he asked briskly.

“Maybe, I don’t know. Is that a problem?” she asked teasingly.

“No, no. it’s better like that… Unless you don’t–”

“Are you asking me to have sex with you, Mr. Potter?” she asked naughtily.

Harry was speechless for the first time in a long time, of course, he wanted to, he would be mental if he didn’t want to. His jaw dropped for the small he felt for Y/n’s buoyancy and self-assure she had.

“Y- yes…” he tumbled.

“Oh, Mr. Potter you don’t have to be shy with me. I’ll do whatever you want, how can I help you?” she asked with her eyes fixed on him, now touching slowly above the fabric of his jeans in his cock, getting slowly under the cloth.

“Y/n, I don’t have any contraceptives…”

She knew it would be dumb if she said, «Don’t come inside me», there was still a small percentage of her getting pregnant for a normal teenager, but she wasn’t normal, first of all, she was a witch and the assistant of Madame Pomphrey in the hospital wing that had though her a lot of stuff.

“It’s ok, just don’t come inside of me, Harry. And we have to be quiet, right?”

Harry nodded hurriedly in understanding.

“Are you ok with not coming inside of me, Harry?” she smirked innocently.

“Yeah, yeah, it’s ok, Y/n,” he said panting. “Everything you do it’s ok”

“Really?” she asked, and he nodded in response. “So, it’s ok if I just…” she raised her eyebrows, going down on him.

Her soft hands travelled under his shirt gently caressing his naked abs, leaving him wanting more, with a high libido. Y/n left him a few small kisses in it and Harry looked at her to realize that she was doing a path in which he was desperately dying of pleasure for his panoramic view and his sensitive skin. Sitting on his lap while her curly hair fell over her face while wet kisses ran through his abs. Harry took her soft hair into a messy bun, letting her long eyelashes and soft kisses do the job, his chest grew rapidly, warming up from the girl’s kisses. And when she finished, Harry observed that she had traced a heart in his abs, it caused him so much pleasure to feel her on his lap that he made his head back, pushing his cock a little towards the entrance of the girl, who had liked the reaction while licking her lips, making more friction on her clitoris circling against Harry’s cock. He lifted her black orchid sundress to her belly, caressing it as she lowered the spaghetti straps of her shoulders.

“Can I, do it?” she asked beautifully.

“Please, Y/n,” he begged.

Passing the button on his jeans to the back, unbuttoning it, almost slow burning for Harry’s needs and desires; his heartbeat had increased almost dangerously, even though it wasn’t the first time he had done something intimate with Y/n – it would be his second time – he just felt the same excitement that the first time.

In the past, Harry had no idea what he was doing, he just lived in the moment, and every time he was with her, he felt out of the world. As of now, he was begging her to suck him and fuck him too.

“Are you sure, Harry? Do you want me to do it?” she asked, caressing with her hand the bulge of Harry’s pants, the cotton fabric was giving it a better sensation.

“Please Y/n, just do it, please”

“Hm…” she pretends to think about it for a second, her belly was asking her for something else just than fingers, desperately for something thicker, Harry’s cock.

“Please, I need you, I want you!”

She smiled at him, satisfied “Well, there’s a lot of people who need me…”

“Please, Y/n, I want you!”

She smirked mischievously rolling her eyes, noticing that the sunset was happening, and the beautiful sun was hiding behind the horizon.

“Ok, I’m gonna help you, Harry. Do you want that?”

“Yes, that’s what I want, please! It hurts!”

Y/n shook her head smiling, with the help of Harry hip trusting to take down his jeans and then his pants, showing the now awake cock of harry, it had a little curve that make it go up to his abs, and a bit of white precum was on the tip of it a little bushy but Y/n didn’t care at that moment, his cock was hard and ready to be in action. She took it with one of her hands and the other massaging Harry’s thigh, spitting in his cock almost immediately, stroking it briefly.

“Oh my god… Y/n, just like that!” Harry gasped.

Stroking in it up and down with no mercy in the fast that Harry would come with the visual he had of her boobs falling in front of him, not letting her go making pressure with his legs.

“Just take it out all on me”

“Oh, darling…” Harry groaned. “You do it so good… you take me so well.”

And for some reason that motivated Y/n to put it in her mouth, suck it and taste it with her tongue ‘salty’ she thought. Going up and down as her eyes start to fill with tears, sometimes she never thought about, was Harry pushing her head down to his hard venous cock.

“Ah… keep going!” Harry bellowed, pushing her head harshly to his cock. “That’s it, there… there”

Y/n didn’t even complain about this, she was so turned on, that she was masturbating with Harry’s knee, going on infinite circles. But before Harry could come, he took off her mouth his cock, switch the position quickly with a close of eyes, and cum in Y/n’s belly. Groaning and gasping about how good it was, landing in front of her, kissing her lips

“You did it soo good, darling, so good. Good girl.”

And that turned something on inside of Y/n, maybe the way he quickly switched her to the bottom of the bed or the way he had talked to her.

“Did I, Mr. Potter?”

[elle-writes-things]

Maintaining Reputations

Queen of Hearts: Part 4

Queen of Hearts Masterlist

Summary: It’s Marcus’ first day of school, and the rest of the students are enjoying tormenting him. Ophelia has to discreetly step in, and stop Chico from killing Marcus. She also relays the details of her promotion to her friends, but receives apprehension rather than support. 

Warnings: brief (canon-typical) violence, allusion to an abusive relationship

Word Count: 1099

It was the new kid’s first day of class, which meant hazing and pranks would be at their peak. Ophelia had already watched Willie and Saya snub Marcus in the span of two minutes and couldn’t help but feel some second-hand embarrassment for the boy. 

“Do you think I should offer to help him find his classes?” Violet asked, breaking Ophelia from her reverie. Ophelia looked up at the curvy blonde standing next to her in mock surprise.

“Why?” she snorted. “So you can both get conveniently lost in the janitor’s closet?”

“At least I can admit that I’d love to get him alone,” Violet retorte, using a compact mirror to apply a coat of lip gloss.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Ophelia asked, immediately becoming defensive.

“Please,” Violet scoffed. “You’re not fooling anybody. It’s alright though. I’ll let the others know you’ve called dibs.”

“Who did Lia call dibs on?” Charlotte asked, coming up to the two girls?

“New kid,” Violet said, nodding at Marcus. Charlotte scanned her eyes over him as he tossed books in his locker.

“Not a bad choice,” she said, turning to Ophelia. “Although it would seem that you have some competition.” Ophelia looked across the hall to see Maria making her way over to Marcus.

“She’s going to get him killed,” Violet mused, shaking her head. “The greedy bitch can’t leave some for the rest of us.”

“Shush,” Ophelia warned, not taking her eyes off the pair. “I’m trying to listen.” Maria leaned against the lockers next to Marcus and flashed a smile. 

“You Mexican?” the girl asked.

“Umm. My dad was Nicaraguan,” Marcus answered. “Mom was from Kansas.”

“Yeah. Well whatever you are, some rep you’ve got,” Maria told him. “Half the class is scared shitless. The other half wants to see if your rep’s for real.” Marcus didn’t respond but Maria didn’t take the hint. “So what’s your affiliation?” she asked, moving closer to him.

“Oh, I don’t vote,” Marcus explained, naïve to the workings of the school. Maria let out an exaggerated laugh in response to his confusion.

“What is she, twelve?” Violet spat. “That is rudimentary Psychological Manipulation.”

“How did she get into AP?” Charlotte asked, backing Violet.

“Would you two quit it!” Ophelia hissed. “She just told him to join Soto Vatos.

“Not sure that offer is going to last,” Violet said, pointing at Chico who had stalked up to Maria and shoved her against the lockers.

“You like this pendejo?” he asked, hand wrapped around Maria’s neck. 

“As if,” she choked. “I am just looking for new recruits, baby.”

“Get off her,” Marcus interrupted, giving Chico a slight shove. Ophelia let her mouth drop open as she heard Violet let out a loud curse next to her. Juan, Chico’s second, stepped forward with his fists raised.

“Hey,” Chico said, stopping Juan with his arm. “Tranquilo.” Then he turned and punched Marcus in the stomach. The boy let out a strangled grunt before Chico forced his head up with his knife.

“You like Maria?” Chico asked. “Then meet my other lady.” Before she could think, Ophelia stepped up to Chico. Without hesitation, Juan shoved her against the lockers. She gasped for air which was quickly granted when Violet and Charlotte pulled him off of her. Whispers broke out amongst the hallway, curious as to why the Queen of Hearts would interfere with Soto Vatos business.

“Step off Chico,” Ophelia ordered.

“You have eyes for this puta too?” he taunted, not moving his knife. 

“I’m offended,” Ophelia drawled, removing all emotion from her voice. “I thought you knew me better than that. I just think you should give the rest of us a chance to properly welcome your new friend.” Chico looked at her in tense silence before laughing.

“I forgot how crazy you Suits are.” He looked at Violet and Charlotte who were still holding Juan back. “Tell you what amiga,” he began. “Tell your girls to let my man go and we can make a deal.”

“Ladies,” Ophelia prompted, and the two girls let go of Juan. She turned to Chico expectedly.

“You have until tonight to have your fun,” he told her, removing his knife from Marcus’ neck and turning to look at the body. “You and I are going on a date,” Chico said. “Wear something nice. We’re going to bury you in it.” Then, without warning, he grabbed a cup of juice from Billie and poured it on Marcus’ head. After the last drop of liquid left the cup, he threw it at Marcus’ chest and stalked off. Maria stopped to shoot Marcus and apologetic glance before hurrying after her boyfriend.

Ophelia turned to look back at Marcus who was glaring at her. If looks could kill Ophelia was sure she would be six feet under. Irritated by his attitude, she grabbed his tie and pulled him towards her, careful to not touch his stained shirt.

“I would suggest showing a little more respect to somebody who just saved your ass,” she hissed, brushing her lips against the shell of his ear. Then, loud enough for everyone to hear, “I’ll see you after classes. We’ll find you something nice to wear for your date.”

“I mean he’s cute,” Violet said, after they had made their way down the hall. “But I don’t think any guy is ‘confront Chico’ cute.” Ophelia thought back to last night, when Lin had called her to his office, assigning her the duty of watching over the new boy. 

“I don’t have a choice,” Ophelia explained with a sigh. “He is my pledge.”

“Shit,” Charlotte breathed. “So anything that idiot does is on your ass?”

“Unfortunately, yes,” Ophelia said. Then, holding an internal debate with herself, she pulled Violet and Charlotte into an alcove. “You didn’t hear this from me, but my aunt is transferring to our Parisian division. That opens up the King’s spot and Ace is considering making me the Heart’s nominee.” Charlotte squealed and Violet violently grabbed Ophelia.

“This is amazing!” Charlotte squealed. “I am so proud of you.”

“Thanks,” Ophelia beamed, glancing at Violet who was unusually quiet.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Violet asked, her eyes darting nervously between Ophelia and Charlotte.

“Of course I am,” Ophelia said. “You know I’ve always wanted this.”

“I just…” Violet started, at a loss for words. “You should think hard before committing to anything.”

“Thanks for worrying about me,” Ophelia said with a smile, “But I’ll be fine.”

“Alright,” Violet relented. “Let’s go before we’re late. My knuckles are still bruised from Lin’s cane.”

[glassartpeasants]

Like Father Like Son .2

Overhaul x F!Reader

Warnings: Angst, mentions of not eating, depression, mentions of needles, unhealthy/toxic relationships, child abuse, 

A/N: Ya’ll wanted a part two well here you go :) again thank you @yandereacademia for letting me use they’re headcanon to make this story! Also the original plot is changed for the stories sake.

~~~

 2 months after you talked to your son

You still didn’t have the motivation to move. Only to go to the bathroom and maybe, MAYBE eat. What was the point in it all? Everything that kept you going in life was ripped away from you by the man known as Overhaul. He took away Eri and he took away your son. Well he took away your used to be son. 

Once you found out that he was apart of Eri’s experiments you were distraught. The little boy you once knew was nothing but a monster walking in his father's shoes. And to think that this thing was from your own flesh and blood and doing such horrific things to a sweet innocent girl.  

Both men came in once and awhile to see if you had any side effects from the test drug that they had given you. Long term or short term they just made sure to check. They soon noticed that your condition was slowly decreasing by the lack of sleep, water, and food you had.

You were a shell of your former self. If you looked in the mirror you were sure you wouldn’t be able to recognize yourself. You looked like a ghost. It was disturbing to see your once happy exterior turn into husk of a human. 

The worst part of this nightmare was not knowing what they we’re doing to Eri. Where they still making the bullets? Did they finally stop hurting her? You unfortunately got your answer once you heard Mimic talking about how they we’re so close to making a million bullets.

They had started the horrific experiments when she was six. She was 15 now so knowing that for 9 year they continued hurting her made your stomach turn. All you wanted to do was escape out of this prison and run to her, tell her that your here and that everything will be okay. That you’ll protect her from the monsters that surround her. 

The thought of Eri made you tremble in guilt. If only you were strong enough to protect her. Strong enough to run, run and never look back. You would never have to see the monsters that plague your dreams everyday. Never have to see your own flesh and blood turn even more into a monster than he already was.

All of a sudden your bedroom door slammed open and out popped Overhaul standing in the doorway with hives all over his skin and anger in his eyes. His gloved hands curled into fists as he stomped his way over to your spot in the corner.

“Where the fuck is Eri?!” He had grabbed you by the arm and yanked you up to your feet where he looked at you with his gold orbs. His grip on your arm hurt and you could feel his fingers digging into your flesh.

“I don’t know what your talking about-” A painful hit to the cheek is what you were met with when you let those few words out.

“Don’t fucking lie! Where is she damnit!” His fingers dig deeper only causing you to writhe in pain and whimper.

“I-I really don’t know! I haven’t left this room in 2 weeks!” You try to calm him down by telling him the truth but it seems like that wasn’t enough for him.

“If you don’t tell me the truth right now you end up being a bloody puddle on the floor.” You were about to retort back but soon realized something. If he killed you, you wouldn’t have to live this lifestyle anymore. Eri escaped and seems like she hasn’t been caught. That means the only thing you wished for has come true. So what's the point in staying here longer when your surrounded by people who hate you.

“I. Don’t. Know.” With a growl, Overhaul ripped off his glove and right when he was about to kill you, Nemoto came running in to tell the boss ‘good news’.

“We’ve found Eri! Last saw her down 2nd street!” Your face contorted in horror before you were thrown to the ground as Kai ran towards Nemoto and out the door. 

Your body collapsed onto the carpeted floor before the sound of the door slamming shut made you whimper in fear. Your lifeless eyes scan around the room before a chuckle left your throat as tears of joy begin to roll down your cheeks.

“She escaped, I’m so happy...thank you...” Even in the dark room that you called your home, a little ray of happiness shined through the covered windows knowing Eri had escaped from this horrible place.

~~~

“They caught her again. She back at the compound. Overhaul told me to tell you.” You felt your soul break at the horrible news you were told. You knew something bad was gonna happen when you saw that your ‘son’ opened the door in the corner of your eye. 

Seeing him makes you wanna throw up. Your once sweet boy had turned into a monster just like his father. He even made him tell you the horrible news that Eri was captured again. You knew there was gonna be a punishment waiting for her. You just hoped it wasn’t to bad but knowing Overhaul you didn’t know what to expect. Tears escaped down your face, your face still blank. Empty.

The silence was suffocating for the both of you. You could feel your sons presence still at the door. He was watching you. Watching as your unmoving body had tears spilling from your eyes. Watching as your hope was crushed once again. You couldn’t take it anymore. You couldn’t take the pain and suffering that was this life. You just wanted to end it all. Maybe death would be your only escape. The only thing stopping you was Eri. You just wanted to make sure that before you even do something like that, you wanted her to be in a safe haven. But it seems like even she can’t have that.

He had no words to say. What could he say to you? You had fully disowned him and looked at him with disgust. Looked at him like he was someone unworthy of love. You would always give Overhaul that look. The look of pure hatred. And now he was also on the receiving end of that look. 

He hated it. Who were you to tell him what he couldn’t do? You weren’t there for him when-...oh..yeah...He remembered. He remembered the day where he ‘disowned’ you. He can still remember the look of pure heartbreak that shown through your eyes when he said those words. 

He also remembered the cries of heartbreak that he heard on the other side of the wall. It kept him up a lot. Nightmares had plagued his dreams ever since the day you had disowned him. Your words repeated inside of his mind. Over and over again. 

His nightmares were always the same. He’d be walking on some sort of street while it was raining. His feet making the puddles splash. His raincoat making pattering noises as the rain slipped off it. 

He’d walk past a house and turn his head to look at it. It was a beautiful house, the grass lush and green with flowers planted right next to the house. No paint was chipped. The roof tiles were in perfect condition, not a single one missing. 

Inside the window there was you. Holding a baby while singing to it. Rocking it gently back and forth. Singing the same song you use to sing to him when he was young. He remembered the tune so vividly but could not remember the words. Only the tune. 

He walked up to the window to look inside of it, there sat a man. He didn’t recognize him at all. At least not where he was standing. The rain blurred his vision as it pounded against the glass window. He watched as the man got up from his seat on the couch to walk over to you and press a kiss to your cheek. He could hear your entire conversation.

“She’s so cute. What do you think she’ll turn out to be like?”

“Whatever she wants to be. I’ll support her all the way through. Give her all the love she deserves.” You gave the baby girl a kiss on the head, causing the baby to make grabby hands at you.

“I’m sorry about your son. He was gone too early.” What? No he didn’t! He was right here! He begin banging on the windows, begging for your attention.

“I’m not dead! Mom! I’m right here! Please! I’m sorry!” Tears would show through his eyes he felt a burning pain in his hands. His hands were gone. They chipped away, only leaving him with stumps.

“He doesn’t matter. He was a monster. A monster undeserving of my love. I’d never love someone like him.”

Then he would wake up.

He snapped outta it before looking at you once again. Still in the same spot as always. Letting out a sigh he begin to talk.

“I’ll...I’ll get you your food-”

“I want nothing from you. Nothing from you is worth eating. I’d rather starve than take anything you give me. Now get the fuck out of my room you monster.” Letting out a shaky exhale, he slowly closed the door. Watching as you didn’t make a move to look at him. Just as he closed the door Overhaul had appeared before him.

“What was her reaction?”

“She cried.”

“Of course she would have. Know this (S/N), never let anyone get close to you. It only leads to heartbreak and pain. Plus it’s annoying. Do you understand me child?”

“Yes Overhaul.”

“Good. Now come along, Eri’s about to get tested.” Nodding his head, he followed his father, following exactly in his footsteps.

~~~

1 week later

BANG! BANG! BANG!

The sounds of pounding on the walls woke you up from your slumber as you carefully maneuver yourself to take a peek out into the hallway. Your eyes widened when you see Overhaul subordinates running fast as they can down the hall and away from what seems like the front door.

Worry fills your being as you begin to move your head all around seeing if Overhaul was anywhere before making a mad dash to Eri’s room. Your footsteps echoing off the walls as tears brim at your eyes at the thought of seeing Eri again. 

You went as fast as your week body could carry you. Feeling light headed from exercise since it’s been to long. But you would push through it. Push through it just to see Eri one more time.

“Eri?! Eri! Eri are where are you?!” You make it to her room before noticing that her door was already unlocked and opened. You wipe open the door before your met with an empty room. Your heart prayed for the best. Hoping that she had somehow escaped.

“Ma’am put your hands up!” You turn your head to see hero’s...

HERO’S!

You cried as you collapsed to your knees as you gave the best smile you could. Tears of joy spilled down your cheeks. You were saved. Saved from this nightmare that stole your life away.

“I don’t think she’s apart of this. Look at her, she looks so malnourished. Not to mention she seems happy to see us. Do you think that she was also a prisoner of Overhaul?”

“By the looks of her most likely. Get her to safety.”

“Wait! Please let me see Eri! Is she okay?! Please tell me she’s okay!”

“We’re going to get her ma’am don’t worry! We promise she’ll be okay!” A man came near you and gently took your hand while you slowly used your strength to get up.

“Let’s take her to safety.’

“Not yet! I wanna help!”

“Ma’am please-”

‘You said you're looking for Overhaul right?”

“Yes?”

“Well he has a son. His quirk is the same as him so you need to be careful. Overhaul has trained him to be just like him.”

“How do you know this?”

“He was my son before I disowned him. I don’t count him as a son. He was also part of the experiments that took place on Eri! Please arrest them all!” The hero’s looked shocked at your information but nodded their heads.

You were taken out of the compound where hero’s stood surrounding it. Most likely making sure that no one escaped through the front or back door. You could hear the sounds of the warfare inside the compound while you were outside.  You crossed your fingers, begging for the hero’s to win and for Eri to be safe. And for those two men to be under arrest.

~~~

You were driven to the hospital before you got to see the ending of the fight ( a few days later)

You sat in the hospital bed with an IV in your arm. Trying to get you a bit more hydrated. You let out a sigh before a knock came at your door.

“Come in.” You move your eyes to see the door slowly opening before A familiar face showed behind it.

“Eri!” You sat up quickly and outstretched your arms and she came running into them. Tears of joys started falling down both of your cheeks. You hug her with all the strength you have and begin petting her head before placing a kiss on the top of her head.

“I miss you so much (Y/N)...Overhaul...he told....he told me you died...”

“Well there’s no need to worry Eri. I’m here with you right now and that’s all the matters. Those monsters won’t hurt you ever again. I’ll make sure of it.”

“Y-your son...he got arrested too...”

“That monster is not my son. If I would have anyone as a child I would rather it be someone I’m proud to call my own. Someone who’s stronger than all the heros combined. Someone like you Eri.” Eri started to cry in your hold. Hugging you tightly. The smile on your face never leaving as you weave your fingers through her hair gently. 

“I missed you so much Eri. I’m so sorry that those monsters put you through that hell.”

“I missed you too. Promise you’ll never leave me?”

“I would never dream of it.”

“Miss (Y/N), I have some news about Overhaul and your son.” You felt Eri tense in your hold. Hugging you like the world would end if she let go of you.

“They were attacked on the bridge to Tartarus by the league of villains. They seemed to have some sort of feud before getting arrested because they’re attack was only towards them.”

“Well, what happened then?”

“Shigaraki Tomura, the Leader of the LoV, has taken both your sons, and Overhauls hands. They were lucky we got there i time or else they would have died of blood loss.” Your eyes widened at the nurses words before she spoke to you once more.

“Would you like to see them before they get put in solitary confinement? You only get this chance once for now.” Your breath hitched before you turn your attention towards Eri. You both look at one another before she spoke softly.

“You should go. Ask them if they’re finally happy. Ask them if it was worth it.” You sigh before turning your head to the nurse.

“Okay what time do I leave?”

“Right now.”

~~~

At Tartarus

You took a deep breath as you looked around the room. You were walked in with two guards as they brought you to the visiting area of the prison. Your heart felt like it was beating at 100 miles per hour. 

You sat at the table looking around while you waited for them to bring out your son. Your nails tapping against the surface of the table. Your mind drifted on what were the words to say. You didn’t know what to say. You were hyping yourself up the whole way here but now that you arrived all of your idea’s left your mind.

You heard the door opening and you turned your head to see your son walking towards you. They were right. The better look you got at him the more you realize that they’re was no longer a difference between Overhaul and your son. Right down to the golden eyes and the lack of limbs.

“You get 20 minutes.” He sat down across from you on the table. His eyes refusing to look into yours. 

“Look at me. I said look at me (S/N). I’m not going to ask again.” Your voice strict as your voice rings in his ears. He slowly lifted his head to look into yours. He saw someone he used to know. Your skin had started to glow again like it once did when he was young. Your eyes held emotion inside them instead of emptiness. You looked like his mother.

“Mom-”

“(Y/N)”

“...(Y/N), why...why are you here? I thought you would never want to see me or Overhaul again.”

“Was it worth it (S/N)? Was all the torture you put Eri through worth all this? Worth the 3 life sentences you have against you?” Your voice was harsh. Your words felt like fire against his heart. He knows he deserves everything your here to bring him. Every single thing.

“No...” You were taken aback by his honesty. He said it so quick with no hesitation. But you still had more questions that you had to ask.

“Why wasn’t it worth it? Is it because you got caught?” You put up a front of spikes that made his lip quiver. He knew crying would only lead to you thinking he was faking it. So he tried to hide it, but you could tell he was trying not to.

“Why wasn’t it worth it?”

“I lost everything that day. I lost my limbs, I lost my freedom, I lost any idea of ever living a normal life. And....”

“ANd what?” Tears started spilling down his face, landing on the table and forming a little puddle.

“And I lost you...I’m so sorry...please forgive me mother. I promise I’ll be better...please...” He finally broke down in tears in front of you. His whole body shaking as this was probably the first time he cried in years. 

“You’ve lost your chances. You lost them the day I found out you were apart of Eri’s experiments. You are undeserving of forgiveness. What can you even do that would make me even think about forgiving a monster like you?”

“I don’t know....”

“That’s what I thought. You aren’t my son, your nothing but a monster.” You stand up before waving an officer, signalling you were done.

“Please don’t go yet...”

“Goodbye (S/N), maybe someday, or in another life, I’ll be you mother again. Someday I would be proud to call you my son. But until then, your his son. Not mine.” You turn your back to him before walking out the visiting rooms doors never looking back.

Taglist

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[mooncaps]

The parallels between Catra and Glimmer keep sticking in my mind. They don't quite mirror each other exactly, visually or thematically, but there's a lot of overlap. They're similar in so many ways, but the inverse of each other in certain ways as well. Their natures are so alike that if their circumstances had been swapped, they'd probably just become each other.

So, I guess I’m picking up my shovel and digging into this. I wanna examine the ways they’re alike, the key ways they differ, what shapes each of them, and why their intersecting journeys are significant. There’s a lot to unpack and this is gonna be a long post, but if the subject matter sounds interesting to you, then read on.

Their parallels are most evident in Season 4, but are also woven throughout the show. I'm thinking back to 1x07 when Adora explains to Bow and Glimmer what being raised by Shadow Weaver was like and Glimmer, without missing a beat, says: "Okay, sure, Mom stuff." Completely nonchalant, with a casual shrug, as if nothing sounded out of place. All of these characters are impacted by being embattled in a militaristic conflict, of course, but Catra and Glimmer are both getting particular parental experiences from their mother-figures, the only parent in either of their lives. Notably, they don't have the same experience. Angella's a much better mother to Glimmer than Shadow Weaver is to Catra. Shadow Weaver is abusive, manipulative, power-hungry, and especially cruel to Catra above all others. Even when Angella is harsh, she's constructive and supportive.

But both of these children end up with a strong desire to prove themselves on the battlefield. Both want their mothers to be proud of them, to recognize them as worthy. Catra spends the early part of her life suppressing the urge to prove herself, pretending not to care about it while secretly being deeply upset when she finds herself overshadowed by Adora. Glimmer, on the other hand, openly thirsts for opportunities to be a great commander and earn recognition for her accomplishments. They both have somewhat of an inferiority complex as well. Catra comes to decide she doesn't want to be the sidekick. Glimmer is insecure about being the princess who has to recharge.

In 1x08, Glimmer's jealousy toward Bow and Perfuma is essentially a microcosm of a key dimension of Catra's arc for the show. But Glimmer is much quicker to learn the lessons and grow. Due to her experiences, Catra's walls are much harder to break down. I'll swing back around to that point later.

As Season 1 draws to its close, Glimmer and Catra both gain a little more independence, though they do it in very different ways. Catra does what Glimmer wanted to do at the beginning of Season 1. She presents valuable tech and a valuable ally to her commanding officer. Glimmer gets closer to her mother and they both start to understand each other better. Catra defeats her mother-figure in combat. Glimmer and Catra both gain favor in their respective armies and get the much-desired chance to prove themselves in the Battle of Bright Moon.

In 2x02, Glimmer and Bow take Catra hostage and the ways in which these two characters differ are really highlighted. Glimmer is tempted more than once to be as ruthless with Catra as Catra would be with her, but Bow talks her down when push comes to shove. "We're not them." Catra doesn't have a person in her life who talks her down. Not anymore. Catra sees the reliance on friendship among the Rebellion as a weakness. "It's why you're never going to win."

With the environment she grew up in, Catra's understanding of concepts like friendship and love are primarily in relation to power and manipulation. She's quick to seize upon the closeness between Glimmer and Bow as a way to force Glimmer to use up her magic. Catra's own love for Adora is, in the early days, selfish. She doesn't want to share Adora, whether with friends in the Horde or friends in the Rebellion. And it's why she believes that Adora doesn't feel the same way. If Adora wouldn’t take things to the same selfish extremes, then she must not feel what Catra’s feeling. This is what Catra believes because her experiences have given her this very specific, and flawed, understanding of love.

Glimmer's relationship to love is different. She comes from a more supportive environment and even in the rare instance when she does trend toward selfish love, she's more able to accept and understand the flaws of it.

But focusing on 2x02: Glimmer and Catra push each other's buttons. Each of them instinctively knows how to hurt the other one, though Catra is more willing to inflict that hurt. They’re both paying attention and learning each other’s vulnerabilities. The one moment where Glimmer touches a nerve with Catra is: "How did Adora take years of this? She didn't run away from the Horde. She ran away from you." And Catra immediately pushes back: "You think she's not going to leave you behind too, Sparkles?"

It's somewhat telling that Catra sees Glimmer as having taken her place in Adora's life. Again, similar, but not the same. The relationship between Adora and Glimmer is different to the relationship between Adora and Catra, but Catra, with her limited and warped understanding of love, can't tell the difference anymore than she could when Adora first befriended Lonnie. Catra sees Glimmer as having the same place in Adora's life that Catra used to have. And as much as Catra wants, at this point, to tell herself she's over Adora, she's still angry.

So we’re kind of flipping between parallels and inversions, but a key factor starts to become clear at this point. What Catra and Glimmer hate in each other is what they fear in themselves. Glimmer hates that Catra took her as a hostage, but she's also frustrated that she can't be just as cruel when she has Catra as a hostage. She wants to be cruel, and yet she hates herself for wanting it. Catra hates seeing Glimmer step into the role of Adora's sidekick and she mocks the Rebellion for "the power of friendship" because she hates how vulnerable she felt after opening her heart to Adora. She wants a loving relationship, and yet she hates herself for wanting it. Catra and Glimmer see their own perceived flaws, weaknesses, and shortcomings in each other, which is why there's so much friction between them. It's really an interesting concept that develops further as the show goes on.

The next minor point of interest is 2x04. Glimmer sees the primary conflict as being between herself and Catra. It’s not much, just a little look into how Glimmer is thinking about things.

Seasons 2 and 3 are paired together in terms of themes in a way that other seasons aren’t. At the end of Season 2, or midway through the story threads, Catra loses her mother-figure. At the end of Season 3, Glimmer loses her mother. Once again, the circumstances differ. Angella is truly gone, but Shadow Weaver has simply switched sides. Glimmer’s arc going forward is very much driven by Angella’s absence, whereas Catra’s arc is driven by Shadow Weaver’s presence...as an enemy combatant.

And Shadow Weaver doesn’t just join the Rebellion, she starts working her way into Glimmer’s life. Her opening pitch that gets Glimmer to free her plays on a familial connection - the fact that she taught Glimmer’s father. They go to the Fright Zone together and of course they run into Catra, who discovers Shadow Weaver quite literally taking Glimmer by the hand.

All of this sets the stage for Season 4, where the Catra and Glimmer parallels are at their strongest. The two of them become much more similar to each other in this season. Glimmer is now receiving guidance and familial connection from the very person who shaped Catra into the person she is.

Both Catra and Glimmer effectively take control of their respective armies. Glimmer literally becomes queen and, in the very same episode, Catra seats herself on Hordak’s throne. Glimmer is reluctant to take the throne, Catra is eager to. At the end of the episode Catra says to Hordak, “I think you and I are going to do great things together.” This line echoes what Shadow Weaver said to young Micah and baby Adora. And of course Glimmer is also stepping into her mother’s role.

From there, the two of them find themselves on similar paths. In 4x02 they both have the same idea to recover Mara’s ship. In 4x04 Glimmer wants to think like Catra and asks Shadow Weaver to teach her. Glimmer ends up in a fight with Catra and Catra marvels at Glimmer’s tactical decision to use Adora as a decoy. Where Glimmer was previously unwilling to be like Catra, now she’s determined to do anything for victory. And of course the idea to use Adora as a distraction came from Shadow Weaver and Catra’s recognizing this change in Glimmer’s tactics without quite realizing why it should feel familiar.

Some things happen at different times for these two, but there’s so much overlap. Glimmer starts the season dealing with boring meetings and itching to be out in the field, jealous of her friends. For Catra, she starts the season in the field, but as her plans advance she finds herself stuck in the Fright Zone while Hordak does the field work.

Both of them are focused on success, no matter the cost. They both become so stubbornly obsessed with winning the war that it fractures their friendships. They reject all counsel and push away the people who care for them. In spite of being hurt by losing the trust of their friends, they both double down on trying to win, expecting total victory to be the thing that brings them peace of mind, the thing that makes everything worth the cost.

There’s a push and pull between the two of them throughout the season. Neither can succeed in their chosen path without destroying the other. And yet they can’t seem to destroy each other without losing themselves. Metaphorically, destroying each other would mean destroying their own shortcomings, and both of them want those weaknesses and doubts erased, but neither of them can manage to strike the final blow.

Catra gains the upper hand in the war by having Double Trouble work the cracks in Glimmer’s friendships. Glimmer gains the upper hand by having Double Trouble drive a decisive wedge between Catra and Hordak. Double Trouble’s duplicitous allegiances and feigning of friendships are key developments on both sides of the battlefield and their services are weaponized by both Catra and Glimmer to target each other. Double Trouble essentially acts as a messenger, sent from both of these two characters to tear the other one down. Catra and Glimmer personify to each other what they fear in themselves and Double Trouble gives voice to the doubts of both characters, acting on behalf of each of them in turn.

Double Trouble gets to Glimmer by suggesting that Adora is undermining the queen’s authority. They work from an understanding of Glimmer’s genuine desire to be a great queen. However, and this is a key point, when Double Trouble confronts Catra, the tactic is completely flipped. “You try so hard to play the big bad villain, but your heart’s never been in it, has it?” They work from the understanding that Catra’s apparent desire to lead the Horde to victory is not genuine. As opposed to Glimmer, whose heart has always been in it; her heart’s so in it that she becomes blind to the risks of her plans.

Part of Double Trouble’s speech to Catra can apply to Glimmer’s insecurities as well. “They didn’t believe in you, didn’t trust you, didn’t need you, left you. But did you ever stop to think, maybe they’re not the problem? It’s you. You drive them away, Wildcat.” Obviously it applies to Catra, but it also describes what Glimmer has just been through with Bow and Adora. Glimmer and Catra have so many overlapping fears and this messenger sent by Glimmer to throw Catra off balance ends up making this statement that labels Glimmer’s recent mistakes just as accurately as it does Catra’s.

The key difference between the two of them comes down to their hearts being in it. For all the similarities between Catra and Glimmer in Season 4, this climactic moment emphasizes that, for Catra, a lot of it is an affectation, a costume.

Which brings me to an element of the visual storytelling. I recently read an interesting post about the thematic significance of Catra’s mask. I also made my own post about the change to her hair in Season 4. The visual storytelling has many facets in this show. This post is about parallels though, so what I’m focusing on now is the fact that Catra and Glimmer both change their costumes in Season 4. The first scene of 4x01 features the reveal of Glimmer’s new look and the last scene of 4x01 features the reveal of Catra’s.

One of the first things I noticed about Catra’s outfit is that her new black sleeve and shoulder armor are covering the area that was damaged in the portal reality. At a guess, I’d say she wants to guard against feeling whatever that felt like again. Again though, my focus is on parallels. Let’s have a look at their outfits side by side.

Glimmer’s is essentially an evolution. She’s growing more into herself. She now has both shoulders covered. Hard to say if these shoulder pads are decorative or could serve a protective function. They kind of look metallic. Her legs are newly covered; her neck and chest are newly exposed. There are a few changes to Glimmer’s outfit, but not a lot that’s truly new to her.

For Catra, there are a few new elements in her outfit. The single sleeve, the fingerless gloves, and at the shoulders she seems to have upgraded from fabric to something that looks more like it could be armor. Her legs are more covered than they were in her previous outfit, but there are still small exposed gaps. Her feet were never covered before, but now there’s a partial covering. And there’s also what fandom has dubbed the “boob window,” though this show isn’t one that gives focus to things like cleavage. The new elements for Catra bring her outfit a little bit closer to Glimmer’s.

I’ll be interpreting exposed skin as representing vulnerabilities. Of particular interest to me is the fact that they both wear single sleeves now, one white, one black, and they cover opposite arms. Glimmer has no mask on her face; Catra has no cape covering her back. Glimmer’s boots seem especially enforced at the heel and toe. Catra’s heels and toes are exposed. You know how I’ve been saying that they see their own shortcomings in each other? Now Catra is visibly vulnerable where Glimmer is guarded and vice-versa. The particular asymmetry of the sleeves brings to mind ideas of imbalance, both internally and between them.

Catra’s sleeve looks durable; Glimmer’s sleeve looks decorative. Glimmer’s sleeve leaves a gap of skin exposed below the shoulder pad; Catra’s sleeve covers the full length of her arm. On Glimmer’s unsleeved arm, the glove barely covers her hand; Catra’s glove covers a portion of her forearm. Remember 1x08, that point I said I’d come back to? Glimmer’s quicker to learn the lessons. Catra’s walls are harder to break down. Now it’s visually represented in their outfits.

I’ll reference the visuals as I go on, but let’s get back to thematic analysis. As the Season 4 finale draws to a close, Catra and Glimmer end up together and both have been brought low. Double Trouble has just seen through all of Catra’s walls and read her for absolute filth. Glimmer has to reckon with the fact that her own hubris nearly got everyone she’s been fighting for destroyed. Both have come closer to total victory and closer to total defeat than they’ve ever been. Coming off a string of mistakes and pushing away the people who care about them, they end up together.

Glimmer has the chance to attack a willingly defenseless Catra, but spares her. Moments later, Glimmer is threatened by Horde Prime, but Catra’s intervention saves her. It’s a layered action from Catra, certainly not altruistic, but it saves Glimmer nonetheless. I think something in each of them feels hesitant to see this person, in whom they see their own flaws reflected back at them, destroyed.

And now they’re stuck with each other, quite literally cut off from everyone else. They’re each wrestling with the weight of their own failures and shortcomings, so of course they’re both trapped with the metaphorical representation of everything they never wanted to face in themselves.

They’re together, and yet they’re separated. A barrier stands between them. Catra is at liberty to move about the ship, but there’s nowhere to go and no escaping the watchful gaze of Horde Prime. She’s frustrated by this illusory liberty: “If I’m a prisoner, you might as well make it official.” Glimmer, on the other hand, is in a cell and she wants out, even though there’s nowhere to go. For a brief moment, the barrier is taken down when Catra and Glimmer are invited to dine with Horde Prime. One very effective way to bring people together is to give them a common enemy. They’re only physically together when they’re united in defending themselves against him.

Horde Prime understands the similarities between the two of them and breaks through both of their walls at the same time with the same tactic. “You Etherians are all alike. Such strong connections to one another. It’s what makes you weak.” It’s the unguarded vulnerabilities in Glimmer that poke holes in Catra’s plan of “parsing out information like a bargaining chip.” Though Catra and Glimmer have a common enemy now, they’re not yet coordinated and working with each other.

So we return now to the scene from 5x03 at the top of this post. Even the way it’s framed is significant. The scene could presumably have been presented from the other side, but seeing it from this angle allows me to infer some things about what’s being communicated.

They start out facing each other and we see their sleeved arms. Neither is quite ready to trust the other, so their walls are up. When they stand face-to-face with what they fear in themselves, they put their guards up. They’re both more-or-less equally guarded and equally vulnerable, but the guarded side is what the show’s creators are showing the audience, as well as what Catra and Glimmer are showing to each other in this moment.

The scenery around the two of them shows a stark contrast. Glimmer’s cell is brightly lit with simple architecture. Much of the space around Catra is dark and complicated.

As they open up to each other emotionally, they turn back-to-back and we’re shown their unsleeved arms. When they look away from what they fear in themselves, they let their guards down. Both of them lay a hand on their unsleeved arms, almost as if they’re subconsciously worried that they might need their walls at any moment to defend these vulnerabilities.

Their body language relaxes, though only fractionally in Catra’s case. Glimmer is a little more at ease, but Catra won’t let herself be quite as open and unguarded. Her fingers remain on that unsleeved arm, alert and ready to defend at a moment’s notice.

I’ve talked a bit about walls and defensiveness, but the way these two came to construct their walls is also important. Glimmer and Catra have both experienced hardships in their lives. Both of them grew up with only one close friend. They both felt pressure and a desire to prove themselves and they’ve both endured great tragedy in their young lives. Glimmer has developed more of the emotional tools to work through her pain and begin to heal. Catra is only at the beginning of the healing process and her pain comes from a very different source.

Glimmer spent the majority of her young life believing her father had been killed and then she lost her mother as well. Catra was either given up or orphaned and then taken in by an abusive family. Both experiences were surely traumatic. Catra’s walls are tougher for a reason though. A few reasons. The primary reason is that the source of her fear and pain was also her mother-figure.

Being traumatized by someone who should be on your side is different than other sources of trauma. And because Shadow Weaver is her parent, Catra also bonds with her and wants her approval. This is emotionally confusing and compounds Catra’s issues. Wanting love from Shadow Weaver is one of the reasons Catra hates herself for wanting love at all.

Not only is Catra traumatized by her parent, she also lacks any other parental guidance to help her process her trauma. Glimmer, even after losing her father, still had her mother. It’s after losing her mother that Glimmer really starts to lose balance emotionally. Though Catra had Adora, that kind of comfort is not the same as having the calming influence of a supportive parent to help a child cope with their trauma and assure the child that things will be okay. Further to that are the wedges that Shadow Weaver (and later Light Hope) employed to ensure that Catra and Adora would doubt each other. Then finally, Adora left the Horde and whatever comfort Catra had received from her turned poisonous. This was the thing that threw Catra’s sense of safety into chaos and unraveled any semblance of emotional balance. For much of the show, wanting love from Adora is one of the reasons Catra hates herself for wanting love at all.

This is all a roundabout way of explaining why Catra’s walls are so much thicker than Glimmer’s and why everything around her is dark and complicated. Glimmer has her own walls and coping mechanisms, but they’re constructed differently. Catra is largely driven by defensive panic responses. Glimmer is reactive and even reckless at times, especially after losing Angella, but she’s generally more able to slow down and sort through her feelings. Glimmer’s walls are constructed in such a way that they don’t impede her ability to grow and heal. Glimmer’s walls don’t keep as many things away, but her capacity to let the right people in is the trait that serves her best. The contrast between these two characters speaks volumes.

Season 5 is where Catra and Glimmer begin to learn from each other. They get past the initial reaction of simply being disgusted by seeing what they fear in themselves. They both make some appeals to each other for information and help. The barrier between them comes down again and Catra enters Glimmer’s space.

The audience is shown both sleeved arms. Walls are up. Catra uses both hands and takes Glimmer by the sleeved arm. The cake is in her unsleeved hand; it was an appeal to her vulnerable side. The full appeal from Catra that acknowledges Glimmer’s walls is the one that actually reaches her and gets Catra the information she wanted. It’s an appeal so strong that it can reach Glimmer through her walls, not just some simple ploy to prey on her softer side.

“You can’t tell him.” Glimmer uses both hands and takes Catra by the unsleeved arm. This is an appeal to Catra’s vulnerable side. And it echoes something that has previously frustrated Catra. “It’s always the same with you, Adora. I have to do this. Oh-oh, we have to do that.” This appeal to her softer side isn’t enough.

“Do one good thing in your life.” Glimmer uses both hands and takes Catra by the sleeved arm. The audience is shown both of their unsleeved arms. They’re both vulnerable here. It’s this appeal, which acknowledges Catra’s walls, that reaches her. Catra still reacts in fear, a response pattern that runs deep with her, but the message reaches her through her walls.

After processing some of her emotions, Catra returns, offering Glimmer her unsleeved arm. This is a vulnerable action from Catra.

Glimmer takes Catra’s hand with her sleeved arm.

This is the turning point. They represent each other’s insecurities, each vulnerable where the other defends. Glimmer has the tools to balance out Catra’s vulnerabilities. Glimmer’s sleeved arm meeting Catra’s unsleeved arm is like saying: “I’ve got your back.” If they’re confrontational to each other, or if they ignore each other, they’re both equally defended and equally vulnerable. But if they stand side by side...

...they can compensate for each other’s vulnerabilities. They embrace and understand the insecurities they were afraid of and together they have the tools to present a balanced front that can protect them both. Neither one of them was going to be able to succeed alone, but together they can accomplish more.

Catra knew where the teleporter was and could have escaped on her own, but that would not be success. As Glimmer pointed out, even if Catra runs away it won’t matter when Horde Prime destroys the universe. As Catra pointed out, Adora would still come to rescue Glimmer. It’s their combined knowledge that leads to the solution.

Getting Glimmer out is the key, but Glimmer is unable to do this alone. Catra has the knowledge of the teleporter, Catra has the knowledge as well as the physical combat skills necessary to overpower the clones, and Catra has to be the one to take down the barrier that divides the two of them. Only Catra is in a position to achieve this. In terms of emotional metaphors, Glimmer is ready to let Catra in, but that fact alone isn’t enough. Catra has to be willing as well.

And the plan succeeds. It’s Catra’s most vulnerable action yet and she stands willing to sacrifice herself. Catra sends Glimmer, this metaphorical representation of her own insecurities, to Adora. This action is the very thing that ultimately saves Catra. She’s stuck with Horde Prime and her defenses are all ripped away, but it’s this show of vulnerability that affords Adora and company the opportunity to come in prepared and save this defenseless cat. Glimmer’s willingness to forgive Catra is significant for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is that Catra is the party most responsible for the conditions that led to Angella’s sacrifice, and Glimmer cites Catra sacrificing herself on Horde Prime’s ship as the reason she’s willing to help Adora go back and save Catra.

And once she’s saved, when Catra next gets the liberty to determine her own outfit, as she treads a path of vulnerability and learning to follow her heart...

...the sleeve and fingerless gloves are gone. The costume she put on when she took her seat on Hordak’s throne has fallen away. That’s not who she wants to be anymore. Now she’s ready to start on the path of growing more into herself.

The push and pull contentious relationship between Catra and Glimmer has reached its conclusion, but there are still a few moments of interest. In 5x08, there are several instances where Catra questions what seem to be tactically unsound decisions from the Rebellion and they shrug off the concerns. Near the end of the episode, it’s Glimmer who questions the tactics and Catra who shrugs it off. This shows that they’re both getting more comfortable with each other and also both getting more comfortable with the parts in themselves that make them similar to each other.

In 5x10, when Catra finds herself in trouble, trapped and confronted with rising water, she calls Glimmer, knowing now that Glimmer is someone she can trust when she comes up against the limits of her own vulnerabilities.

In 5x12, Catra goes to Bow and Glimmer, looking for Adora. Glimmer informs Catra that Adora left them behind. Catra says: “Of course she’s gone. That’s what she does, isn’t it?” Glimmer was caught off guard by this, but Catra has recognized this vulnerability in Glimmer since Season 2. “You think she’s not going to leave you behind too, Sparkles.” This time Catra’s not just here criticize; she’s here to help. She warns Bow and Glimmer about Horde Prime’s plans and volunteers herself to take over helping Adora. Glimmer comes up against the limit of her vulnerabilities, but she can tag in Catra to help her now.

In the literal sense, this shows the value of letting other people in. In the metaphorical sense, it shows the value of accepting oneself. Learning from others, finding the common ground, gives us a fuller understanding than we can achieve on our own. No one can do everything alone, but working with people who are skilled where we come up short, guarded where we are vulnerable, and open where we are closed off is what unlocks the potential to accomplish things that would have otherwise been impossible.

I love that message, but I also love the metaphorical message. Glimmer and Catra have repeatedly seen in each other the things they were afraid of in themselves. Hating each other is tantamount to hating themselves and their acceptance of each other is tantamount to accepting themselves, which makes both of them more well-rounded and helps them to move forward.

And those lessons, to me, are among the most significant things about their intersecting journeys. They accept the differences in each other, they recognize the similarities in each other, and they come together to build each other up. It’s at once a journey of learning to accept others and a journey of learning to accept themselves. They learn that greeting their shortcomings with anger is ultimately self-destructive, ignoring these vulnerabilities is perilous, and it’s only through acceptance that they can begin to understand themselves, compensate for their limitations, and better themselves.

They each look into a mirror, see their own insecurities staring back at them, then decide to give that person a hug and say: “I’ve got your back.”

[loser-writings]

Kazuichi Souda Headcanons

{@sally-wonders​} (┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻ I JUST SAW THE DANGANRONPA STUFF AND I AM SCREAMING! dlsfhlfhksg I dont even know where to start, so, at first I was wondering if you have any headcanons for my man Kazuichi, I love him so much! I always wondered how he would be into an actually relationship, because the inflatuation he had with Sonia was a thing, but also serving to compensate in his low self steam, even if he was an ultimate, he also has the historic of abuse and bully by their piers and all  with the sharp teeth and pink hair to try and look cool and all that as well, also he would have to deal with all that happened in dispair island (what wouldnt i give to know how they dealt with that man :'3), especially acepting the fact that Sônia does not like him. Because of the whole dream girl with blonde hair and he kinda projects this idea of her instead of herself. Jqrjjgwrj sorry I babble a lot hehe

I hope you enjoy this long list of a variety of headcanons. These may not hit all of the points you were asking, but I hope this is satisfactory!

・・・・✪General Headcanons✪ ・・・・

Kazuichi is a very anxious person so he is constantly fiddling with something. Little electronics, his wrench or tools he has on hands, or his fingers. If he can’t mess with something, his anxiety goes through the roof.

He can read in English! He taught himself how to read English so he could read American comic books before they’re officially translated. He also can understand English since he watched so many English action movies. He can speak it, but it can be broken and his accent is very strong.

He can actually sew. Since he learned by watching his mom, he can fix and alter clothing. He can also sew and throw together blankets and stuffed animals. He actually owns a small sewing machine. It isn’t expensive or amazing by any means, but it can get the job done.

He spends a large chunk of his money on keeping up with his hair and keeping his contacts in check. His hair grows extremely fast so his roots show, and he has a horrible habit of sleeping in his contacts since he can’t stand his glasses. 

When you catch him off guard, he just lies about what he is doing. He doesn’t mean to, but it is just a natural reaction since his dad would get mad at him no matter what his answer was. Because of this, you have to give him a moment to calm down and go through the 3 different answers he has before he can actually say what’s going on. This also happens if he is on his computer or his phone. He naturally hides the screen, even if he is just looking at car parts or how to fix a certain thing.

He can be a bit perverted and oblivious to somebody's flaws if he finds himself becoming attracted to them. Despite this, he is honestly quite the sweetheart and would have a heart attack if somebody were to return his feelings. 

He has pretty bad trust issues and this can cause tension between him and others. This also causes him to believe things that aren’t always true based off of his distrust alone.

He doesn’t actually like his appearance, even after he changed it. He originally changed it to keep away bullies and get the attention of women, but when he looks in the mirror, he doesn’t exactly like it. He didn’t mind his black hair or his normal eye color, he just hated his glasses.

Will flinch if someone raises their hand at him because of his fathers past abuse. He can’t help but flinch, and this is horrible with men who are taller than him. Safe to say that Gundhams mannerisms and weird poses aren't appreciated.

・・・・✪Relationship Headcanons✪ ・・・・

As stated before if someone were to return his feelings, he would be so lost on what to do. He never had anybody treat him with much kindness and the fact that someone he admires likes him back is just mind boggling to him.

I headcanon him personally to be Bisexual. He may have a physical lea for women, but he does find himself genuinely attracted to men as well (@Hajime) I think the big thing that decides if he likes you or not is if he thinks he can trust you.

Due to the past abuse and issues regarding friends and classmates, he would need constant reassurance. He will have sudden doubts and will become extremely anxious at the idea of you leaving him for a variety of reasons. He will ask if you want him to change his appearance or something about his personality, and it never fails that he is shocked if you say you love how he is.

He can sometimes get lost in his childlike fantasies. He will change his personality at times and make himself believe things that aren’t true. The best thing to do when this happens is to just give him a quick kiss on the cheek and remind him that you are you, and not some fantasy. He will apologize and snap out of it (For the most part)

He isn’t the best at initiating things. He would do better with someone who is more willing to make the first move. Be the one to grab his hand to hold it, Open your arms so he can snuggle against your chest, Cup his cheeks to pull him into a sweet kiss, Open the door for him and press your hand against his lower back in public areas so he feels more calm. He really would appreciate it.

Some of his favorite dates are the ones that result in tons of affection. Building blanket forts before having an action movie marathon is his favorite thing. It always results in the two of you tangled impossibly close to each other. If he is the one being held, having you play with the messily chopped locks instantly has him weak. He will rest against your chest while watching the movies, looking up to steal kisses and nip at your exposed skin in an attempt to steal your attention away from the screen. If he is the one holding you, your hair will be played with and expect him to caress your body a lot. If he gets distracted from the movie, he will let his eyes and hands wonder. It’s not in a perverse way, but more curious. 

He actually studies how your body moves and how you feel. He is the kind of guy who is very interested in seeing how your “Parts” move and how things work. It’s not perverted (Usually) but instead it’s very sweet in an unusual way. He will find out unusual things he loves about you by watching how you move. Like how you stretch to reach things on a tall shelf, or how your body curls up into itself when your cold. Just how you move and your body language is something that always has Kazuichi staring. 

If he can��t be with you physically, expect many phone calls and video calls. He calls you every time he misses your voice or feels himself starting to get anxious. The most common phone calls become the ones that happen before bed. Kazuichi gets extremely anxious when he is alone or at his house with his dad. Because of this, it becomes a routine where he calls you before bed and falls asleep on the phone with you. If you love to sing, sing and play instruments on the phone to soothe him. If you like to read, read to him until you hear his soft snores on the other line. If you like to ramble, ramble to him as he hums along til he is asleep. 

Also don’t hang up. Seriously, he will hang up in the morning. If he has a nightmare, or something happens, he finds comfort knowing that you are right there when he needs you most. 

He doesn’t mind chasing after you, but please let him have something so he knows that all of the chasing is worth it. This is the man you go to if you want somebody to control. He just wants your love and attention, even if you are just using him. If he falls for you during the killing game, he won’t hesitate to kill for you.

・・・・✪NSFW Headcanons✪ ・・・・

Aged 18+ and Kink discussion below this post

Souda loves to leave hickeys and love bites. He thinks they’re so sexy and attractive, and will leave them all over you if you let him. He also ADORES having you mark all over him and will whine if you tease him by pulling away before a mark can be made. If you really want to make him feel loved, make heart shaped hickeys all over him. He will cry because he feels so loved.

He is a switch with a more submissive lean, but he does have his more dominant moments. If he is being submissive, expect him to whine and cry about things a lot. He can be a total brat, but its so worth it when you get to hear him moan and beg for more. He may not scream, but he is quite loud.. If he is being dominant, he growls and groans a lot. He doesn’t mean to, he just gets so caught up in the moment that he doesn’t even notice the noises he makes.

He has ended up with you in his lap in his car a few times. He just can’t help it. The most memorable time was at the drive in theater. You both were in the back and it just ended up with your hands being bound by a seat belt as he sat between your legs until he couldn’t handle waiting anymore. 

He CLEARLY is into body worship. He loves watching how you react as his hands sit and press themselves against your body. He will compliment absolutely everything about you, kissing your skin as much as possible, and let his hands and eyes do all of the work.

He is so into oral, both giving and receiving. He can sit between your legs pleasing you until you are shaking and can’t handle anymore. Just how you taste is so intoxicating with him, and he always is trying to get more. If you are sucking him off, he will pant and moan and whine the whole time. His hand is tangled in your hair or the sheets until he can’t take it any more and cums. If you swallow, he will be so turned on, but he also loves cumming on you

Kazuichi will hump and grind against anything. Your ass, your thighs, a pillow, clothing, the bed, anything. He has a high sex drive, so he has to take care of it often. Even when he is sleeping, he will grind against you if he is having a dirty dream. Hopefully you don’t mind, because he is actually quite embarrassed when this happens.

He has a fantasy of you waking him up with oral. He has quite a few dirty dreams, so the idea of you helping him out while he wakes up is a dream for him.

Praise kink. Seriously. Praise this man. He will CRY if you constantly praise him during sex. He was completely unaware of how much it would effect him during sex.

[everything-laito]

Hypersexuality and Laito Sakamaki (UPDATED)

Hiya guys! Been a long ass time since I’ve made a post like this, I’ve been getting so much ask box activity + had school so I haven’t had the time to make an original post! This has been something I wanted to write for a while, and not only was I busy with school, but this one hits home hard to me personally, so I was going back and forth for a bit writing it. But I think I’m ready :)

I know there’s kind of a general consensus that anything DL related comes along with a trigger warning whether stated or not, but just a TW considering I’ll be talking about some real life experiences; not in depth or detail of course, but just mentions of it :) Not only is this a Laito analysis but it’s also an educational tool to help other people know about this!

So, without further ado, rant under the cut! 

Hypersexuality is something that many sexual assault/harassment and rape survivors experience after the abuse. People associate asexuality or sexual repulsion as the only (or common) psychological affect after experiencing those situations. However, there is another affect that can happen, and it is more common than people think, and aforementioned, it’s hypersexuality. It’s basically having more sexual feeling and urges after the experience, in order to cope with the nonconsensual one. And it’s exactly what Laito experienced after Cordelia’s abuse.

I’ve also experienced something like this. I don’t believe I’ve experienced it in full swing, but definitely something like it. I haven’t been raped thankfully, but I have been sexually harassed/assaulted before a handful of times. I know I’ve briefly mentioned that in other analyses, but I’m just explicitly stating it here.

I first learned about hypersexuality this year actually, and my Laito nerd brain was like “holy shit that’s the name of what Laito is going through.” Then I was like “oh fuck I’ve gone through that a little bit too.” I thought going along with  would help me “heal” myself, and it really was doing the opposite. (UPDATE: realized that what I thought was a lot of sexual trauma/hypersexuality was mostly compulsory heterosexuality (but still with those dabbled in too—quite a terrible combo) because last month I realized I’m not attracted to men! Although those experiences I mentioned did mess me up a bit, realizing this is a huge step in the right direction for my own mental well being. Just had to make this correction on my part, since the original post had more emotional investment than I would have liked it to :)) 

Like I have said in my little update, I realized I was going through mostly compulsory heterosexuality while also going through some minor sexual trauma/hypersexuality. Although again, I have not had it as bad as Laito has or other sexual assault survivors (which I am grateful for that), I still have a personal grasp of coping mechanisms with traumatic experiences or experiences I did not particularly enjoy. (If you are interested in learning more about compulsory heterosexuality, feel free to send me an ask! I just don’t feel that it’s appropriate to talk about it in regards to Laito or make a post about it, since it doesn’t relate to him)

And that’s probably also why I can resonate with Laito so much, at least on that scale, and even if I experienced a grain of what he’s going through. I know he’s fictional but these are definitely real experiences and real feelings. 

Laito’s case is a bit different than just feeling overtly sexual. Although he’s trying to heal himself through sex and other intimate actions, he’s also doing it as a type of revenge. He doesn’t like purity, and in fact, he’s quite jealous of it. I’ve heard this is also a pretty human way of coping with this type of abuse, and it is why I love Yui as a character. She’s incredibly strong and sets an example for Laito. This makes Laito jealous yet entertained by her, and that’s also a reason why he probably keeps her around. He also attempts to use Yui as a vessel to avenge his own feelings (even not knowing about Cordelia being in her at first). I  personally wasn’t like that, but given the circumstances, there’s definitely people who are. Laito’s character can be so human to me sometimes, its astonishing, despite him being a character, a vampire, and just generally does some wacky or terrible shit. 

You could say his hypersexuality could also be similar to typical Pavlovian Conditioning. You’ve probably heard of the whole experiment of training (conditioning) a dog to expect food when they hear a certain sound and thus, his mouth waters. We’re conditioned by a lot of things in our lives, from triggering a “flight or fight” response from this specific ringtone or high school bell. It’s just a built in “routine” our minds utilize to process pattern recognition. I know I say this a lot, but we don’t know how vampire brains in the DL universe compare to human brains (and quite frank, I don’t think we will), so I will just do my typical human brain picking. 

In Laito’s case, he was conditioned to “love” Cordelia in a fashion that was incredibly gross. No, I won’t sugar coat it. In my Cordelia/Laito analysis, I talk about how Laito was probably groomed. Grooming is another type of conditioning. Although I don’t believe his grooming was sexual, it definitely “prepares” the victim to be exploited in that fashion later on. It’s to build a false sense of trust to be betrayed. Later on, when Cordelia started having sex with Laito, he became used to it in a “conditioned” fashion. When someone said that Cordelia was calling him, he knew what it was. He also thought it’s what he wanted, even though he knew that he didn’t. I believe I have referenced his MB Dark Prologue monologue before, but not this part of it. Here’s the monologue: 

――Who is it that I give my love to? Throwing myself away, I caught the sight of someone Someone I didn’t recognize, Suddenly, I realized I was looking into a mirror. The mirror reflected myself within it. I couldn’t see anything else. I am disgraceful for this greed. I was wearing a visage. What I wanted, certainly was love. It’s not that easy. Because of these words, I suffer. No matter how many times love is said, The only thing that will be important to me, Is only the physical contact and body.

I know I've said it in the Laito/Cordelia analysis, but Laito is visibly confused in his flashbacks. He’s trying to grasp what love is, but then convinces himself that love is physical contact, and not emotional connection, especially near the end. He knows he’s suffering but he is still conditioned to think like this. Same case for people who suffer from hypersexuality. 

Although many people do not know why it occurs, it can be a symptom or “side effect” from disorders, medication, and the like. In the sexual trauma case, I believe a main reason is that the person utilizes sex to cope with trauma, or because they are used to sexual acts being forced upon them. That’s where conditioning still comes in. He’s treated as one of her suitors, lovers, or the like. Even as a stand-in for Richter and Karlheinz. He doesn’t consider Cordelia to be his mom until the DF Vampire ending. On top of him not receiving emotional gratification which leads to all sorts of just awful stuff for him, sexual attention is the only type that he receives until Yui comes along. He is used to not having emotional support or connections, which is why physical contact is what he is more “comfortable” with, while at the end of the day it still does not satisfy him.  

It creates a positive feedback loop of him being unsatisfied, while being confused about where he’s unsatisfied in, leading to him trying to “fix” himself or avoid his own personal, emotional problems through lust and sex, but then still finding himself not “healing.” Then the cycle continues, enthusing his hyper sexual behavior even more.

I was sent some great articles from @souchiika on the DL discord (thank you so much!) and one of the articles stood out to me, since I did not talk about this type of topic on this blog yet. Here’s the link to the article, and here’s the quote that stood out to me!

Furthermore, indirect effects were also statistically significant, providing support to the hypothesis that depression and guilt would be serial mediators of trauma-hypersexual behavior relations. The paths through depression and guilt have been found to be the most significant with moderate and high indirect effects on hypersexuality. Moreover, male gender, as covariate variable, is a relevant risk factor for hypersexual behavior.

Hypersexuality is something that is still being researched like I mentioned earlier, but since these findings came out, it definitely makes sense in Laito’s case (and in general). Like I said, Laito does feel unsatisfied and even shameful of his actions, which is more apparent in the beginning of his and Cordelia’s “relationship.” In those flashbacks, he asks himself if this is what he really wants, and although he attempts to force himself to like these actions as a coping mechanism, there is still a relative degree of shame and guilt he has. It is also apparent nearing his DF Ecstacy ending when he finds out that Karlheinz foresaw Cordelia having sex with him, and even wanted it to happen. All that shame and guilt came bellowing out while he was in a fit of distress. In initial attempts to mediate this guilt and shame, he projected his feelings onto other women through sexual acts, leading to more of this hypersexual loop. I know I talk about Laito projecting a lot, but it is frequent in his character. Like I’ve always said, it’s typical “bully” power dynamic manipulation. If Laito can bring a victim of his down to his level, then he feels better about himself (but it satisfies him for only a short while, until Yui in MB+). 

Also, note that this is no excuse or justification for him to rape or sexually assault others. It is merely an explanation as to why he does it (as for my posts in general, it’s not a justification, it’s an explanation). 

Another reminder that rape and sexual assault isn’t about the sexual urges, but about power. That’s why anybody with any background can do it, given the circumstances. 

This post was a bit hard for me to write, so I apologize if I got too overtly personal for your liking. Like I’ve said in the past, I’m not writing this to gain sympathy too, and sure that sounds superficial of me to say now (although I truly mean it), I just want to use my platform as an educational tool. Sorry about the change in my typical tone :) 

Sorry if this was too much of a doozy, I really wanted to talk about it and to educate people, despite it being a bit personal. I just felt like the most effective way was to convey how real this topic is, despite this fandom knowing about it in a fictional setting. 

I hope you have a great day! -Corn